


But When You're Near Me (I Feel Like I'm Standing With An Army)

by Brioux



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Extreme Homophobia, Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Promiscuity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 00:55:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12737760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brioux/pseuds/Brioux
Summary: The best part about going to college for Dex is getting the opportunity to explore his sexuality without the judgement of his extremely conservative family hanging over his head. He gets the chance to explore with a whole lot of men, which gives him the courage to come out to his family. Unfortunately, his fears about how his homophobic parents would react are proven true. Dex struggles with confidence, depression, and stress in ways that are definitely not healthy. Fortunately he’s got a surprising friend in Nursey, who’s there when Dex needs him the most.





	But When You're Near Me (I Feel Like I'm Standing With An Army)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the multitude of people who beta'd this for me and all the people who encouraged me to bring this fic out of retirement and finally finish writing it. Special thank you to vicioushyperbolizer who has put up with a whole lot of complaining, rambling, and general nonsense since I signed up for the Bang.
> 
> Definitely make sure you check out halfabreath's playlist for this fic!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated. But please keep them positive.

William Poindexter grew up in a very conservative household with very conservative parents and a very homophobic culture. It stands to reason that a gay boy growing up in a house like that will likely repress every feeling, emotion, and action he can until he breaks out on his own.

 

He lost his virginity to his high school girlfriend at seventeen years old like the good Irish Catholic boy he was. Or, well, like the good Irish Catholic boy he was supposed to be. But he doesn’t really get a chance to be himself—that is, not the good Irish Catholic boy his family thinks he is—until his freshman year at Samwell University, home of the “one in four, maybe more” motto.

 

Dex’s first kiss with a man is just two weeks after he moves into his dorm at Samwell, with a guy on the soccer team named Liam. They meet during sports physicals and find out they live just three rooms down from each other.

 

Liam is sweet, patient, and understanding when Dex explains he’s been closeted his whole life and never kissed a man before. They don’t have sex that day, but they make out pretty hard. And a few make out sessions later, Dex lets Liam take his gay virginity.

 

The thing is, Dex likes Liam. Maybe not enough to start dating him, but enough to hang out a lot. Enough to be friends, and definitely enough to be friends with benefits. Dex knows Liam is seeing other guys too, and he doesn’t mind because they’re not an exclusive thing. He couldn’t expect Liam to only be with him when he’s not just with Liam.

 

Once classes start, Dex starts to meet a whole bunch of guys interested in spending quality time with him. And maybe it’s because he’s been sexually repressed for so long or maybe it’s because he just loves getting fucked, but Dex doesn’t turn down anyone he’s interested in spending time with as well.

 

In his first semester at Samwell, he sleeps with Alex from his English 100 class, Jake from his History 104 class, Andrew also from his History 104 class, Mike from his Intro to Computer Science class, André from the soccer team, Blake from the cross country team, and Bryan from the basketball team.

 

Dex is enjoying himself, he’s practicing safe sex, and he honestly doesn’t care that there might be a reputation starting to surrounding him. He’s heard rumors, at the very least from the guys in the Haus. He knows word is getting around that he’s good in bed and willing to do the no-strings-attached thing. But to Dex, none of that really matters.

 

He’s allowed to hook up with really hot guys whenever he wants and he doesn’t have the disapproval of his family hanging over him. He can suck as many dicks and ride as many guys as he wants and no one is telling him not to. He’s an adult, now. He feels independent. He feels free.

 

And really, if he was dating just one person he would be having much more sex than he’s having now, anyway. What’s the difference if he sucks a million different dicks or he sucks one dick a million times? He’s young, he’s been told he’s sexy, and he’s getting to enjoy himself. End of story.

 

He gets home for winter break feeling like he’s on cloud nine. He feels almost invincible, in a way. He’s seen what it’s like to be himself and it feels so amazing, he never wants to give it up.

 

He decides on the way home that he has to share this side of him with someone—anyone in his family. The best decision is his sister, Cara. He thinks she’s most likely out of all his siblings to understand, since she’s the oldest. She’s also home from college, and he corners her in her room the evening after he arrives in Maine. He’s a little tired from the trip, but everyone was so excited to see him. They’re planning on having a huge family dinner tonight, since everyone is back in the same house again.

 

“Hey,” he says, knocking on his sister’s door. “Can we talk?”

 

“Sure,” she says with a smile.

 

He steps into her room and shuts the door behind him. She gives him a weird look, but he ignores it in favor of crossing the room to sit in her desk chair. He spins it around until he’s facing where she’s seated on the bed and gives her a little smile.

 

“So I just wanted to, uh. Share something with you. Something about myself that I’ve finally been able to discover now that I’m in college.”

 

“Okay,” Cara says skeptically.

 

“I’m gay,” he says bluntly.

 

Cara’s mouth opens and closes a few times, and she blinks her eyes. She wasn’t expecting that confession, that’s for sure. Maybe Dex should have eased into telling her, instead of just dropping the bombshell?

 

“Billy, that’s, um. Wow. I’m surprised,” she admits.

 

“Yeah,” he says, turning back and forth in the chair a bit, not sure what to say now that he’s let the truth out.

 

“How long have you, uh—you know…”

 

“Liked guys?” he asks. She nods and he shrugs. “Forever.”

 

“Wow.”

 

Dex bites his lip a little, the nerves starting to set in for the first time based on her reaction.

 

“Billy, I don’t know what to say,” she finally admits. “I mean, I don’t—I guess I don’t care? Like, you’re still my little brother and I love you.”

 

Dex sighs and a whole lot of tension bleeds out of his shoulders that he didn’t even realize he was carrying.

 

“Thanks,” he says softly.

 

“You aren’t planning on telling mom and dad, though. Are you?” she asks. “You know how they can be.”

 

“I thought about it,” he admits sheepishly.

 

“I wouldn’t, Billy,” she warns. “Or if you do, can you just wait until after Christmas? Like maybe next summer. It’s just probably not the best time right now since it’ll cause issues.”

 

Dex feels like a bucket of ice water was just dumped over him, his fairly good mood spoiled. Dex has enjoyed living his life out of the closet at Samwell and he feels like he’s ready to live his life out of the closet in Maine as well. But she has a point, it will cause a riff between him and his parents. And that’s not good for the holidays. He wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas or anything.

 

“Okay,” he says with a nod. “I guess I’ll wait.”

 

“Good,” she says, starting to shoo him out of her room. “Now go get ready for dinner.”

 

Dex leaves her room feeling…well, he’s not sure how he’s feeling. On the one hand, he feels super relieved. She isn’t mad at him for being gay. She doesn’t care. But on the other hand, he feels like so much of his happiness has been drained. He was excited to share that part of himself with his sister, and she basically swept it under the rug. And even more so, told him to continue to keep it a secret from their parents. Which she does have a point about, all things considering, but still.

 

He gets to his room and shuts the door before pulling out his phone and bringing up Bitty’s number. Bitty has obviously been through all this, too. Maybe he would have some advice to share. Maybe he can help Dex figure out why he’s feeling almost dirty after that conversation, despite finding out his sister is okay with him being gay.

 

But then again, Bitty has his own life going on right now. He doesn’t need to be dealing with Dex’s problems, too.

 

Dex locks his phone and quickly gets changed for dinner. He picks out a nice dark gray sweater and a pair of khaki pants he knows makes his ass look good—Bryan from the basketball team enjoyed every second of these pants, until they were in a pile at the end of his dorm room bed. Liam commented on them multiple times, too, which makes Dex smile.

 

He takes a quick photo of his side profile, making sure to show off his best assets, and sends it to each of his guys individually before plugging his phone in and heading downstairs.

 

If the conversation with Cara left him feeling shaken up and unsteady, he isn’t sure how to describe what dinner makes him feel. Being at Samwell for an entire semester has apparently made him forget exactly how conservative his family is and exactly how vocal they are about their opinions.

 

It starts with a simple question, how is college going for him? He’s happy to start talking about all the great things he’s experienced, how well he’s doing in his classes, how good the hockey team is and how many friends he’s already made.

 

But that brings up questions about his love life, which Dex isn’t sure how to respond to. He knew this question would come up, and originally he thought maybe this would be the time to come out. But after talking to Cara he sticks to just saying that no, he doesn’t have a girlfriend. It sucks and he feels weighed down by the secret he’s keeping wrapped up inside himself, despite his sister’s slight nod of approval when it’s obvious he isn’t going to share his secret now.

 

Dex is almost grateful for his decision when the dinner conversation turns to the local gossip. His younger sister Alyssa mentions her friend Emily Johnson, which sparks his mother off on a tangent. Apparently Emily’s older brother Nick, who Dex went to school with, has recently come out.

 

“And they’re just okay with it,” his mother gasps, scandalized. “With a younger boy in the house, too. I just don’t understand that.”

 

“That kid would be thrown out of my house in an instant,” his dad barks roughly. “I wouldn’t want him to turn my other kids gay, too.”

 

As the conversation continues to progress, Dex feels like he wants to crawl under a rock. He’s avoiding Cara’s eyes, but he can feel the “I told you so” wafting off her body language anyway. He wants so badly to interject, to say that being gay isn’t something that’s like, contagious or anything. But that would raise suspicion and bring attention to himself that he really doesn’t want right now.

 

So he keeps his mouth shut and his head down. If he’s running plays in his head from their last game in order to keep from blurting out something that everyone would regret, no one has to know about it.

 

“You were quiet at dinner, sport,” his dad says when they’re sitting on the couch later, a random NHL game on the television.

 

His mom and sisters are cleaning up because that’s the type of household he grew up in. He never blinked twice over the obvious gender roles being assigned in his family, but after just one semester with Shitty he’s seeing everything clearer now.

 

“Just thinking about our last game,” he lies easily, since technically he was.

 

“Yeah, I saw the score. You guys kicked those pussies into the ground,” his dad says with a chuckle.

 

Dex tries to smile, but he knows it comes out forced.

 

“It was a good game,” he settles on. “Hey, I’m still tired from traveling and everything so I’m going to just go to bed. Is that okay?”

 

“You don’t want to watch the game?” his dad asks.

 

“Nah. I’ll catch the score later.”

 

“Okay,” his dad says. “Grab me a beer first.”

 

Dex brings his father a beer and heads up to his room, making sure to lock the door behind him. He sheds his clothes and pulls on a pair of worn sweatpants and a threadbare t-shirt that’s getting a little small in the arms, and crawls into bed.

 

He’s got two texts waiting for him on his phone, one from Liam and one from Bryan, each praising the way his ass looks in the pants. They make him smile a little, but his mood is so sour they don’t do much to change his overall feeling. He turns out the light and pulls the covers up, willing himself to just go to sleep.

 

Since he fell asleep so early, he wakes up the next morning at an ungodly hour. He tries to roll over and go back to sleep at first, but his brain just isn’t having it. So he drags himself out of bed and pulls on his cold-weather running clothes. He leaves a note on the kitchen counter so his mother won’t worry, and heads out for a run.

 

He doesn’t have anywhere in mind, so he lets his body just run wherever it wants. His music pounds in his ears, almost loud enough to drown out the memories of last night’s conversation. He goes over the conversation in his head, every homophobic slur that came out of his family’s mouths. It makes him run faster, and before he knows it he’s on the dock at the wharf, a good six or seven miles away from home.

 

He stops at the edge of the dock to stretch and stares into the icy Maine water. His feelings about last night, he decides, need to be locked away in a deep part of his brain so they don’t come back out again. He isn’t going to come out now, so he doesn’t need to complicate things by being transparent.

 

He stops into the offices to ask if they need help on the boats while he’s home and gets a short schedule of dates to work.

 

It takes him almost half as long to run back home, and on the way he gets a text from one of his buddies from high school, letting him know they’re getting a group to hang out tonight at his place.

 

His mom is in the kitchen making breakfast when he gets home, so he kisses her on the cheek and heads upstairs to clean up. He showers quickly, redressing in warm clothes before returning to the kitchen.

 

“Have a good run?” his mom asks as she piles a plate full of eggs and bacon for him. “It wasn’t too cold?”

 

“Yeah, I was fine,” he says. “I went to the wharf and back.”

 

She smiles and hands him the plate, pulling him down to kiss his cheek.

 

After breakfast he spends some time with his younger sisters, watching some reality show they like and reading a history book Jack loaned him. Before he knows it, most of the day is gone and his mom is ushering them into the kitchen for dinner.

 

“Billy, do you have any plans for while you’re home?” she asks as they all sit down around the table.

 

“I got a work schedule this morning,” he says. “And I know a bunch of the guys are talking about hanging out a lot, since we’re all home.”

 

“That’s good, sweetheart,” she says.

 

“Yeah, I’m heading over to Mark’s tonight.”

 

He doesn’t say much more, as focus switches to Cara and then Isabelle. When dinner is over, the girls stick around to clean up again and Dex heads upstairs to get ready to go out. He chooses a pair of dark-wash jeans that have been appreciated by multiple men around campus and a dark purple knit shirt that’s been in his closet for years and is probably a size too small, but technically still fits. He really likes what it does to his upper body. He grabs his jacket on the way out and promises to let his mom know when he’s heading home later.

 

The drive to Mark’s is short, but familiar, and Dex pulls into the driveway under ten minutes later. From the looks of the cars, he guesses he’s one of the last ones to show up. His guess is confirmed when he gets inside.

 

Mark’s parents are gone for the entire week, so there’s plenty of beer in the kitchen and an intense Mario Kart battle going on in the den. Dex grabs a beer and says hi to everyone before finding a spot to sit down.

 

“William Poindexter!” his friend Jake says, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “It’s good to see ya.”

 

“Nice to see you too,” Dex says with a smile.

 

“My dad said he saw you out running at the ass crack of dawn this morning.”

 

“Yeah, I woke up early, so,” Dex says with a shrug.

 

“Gotta make all the rest of us look bad, huh?” another friend, Max, says with a laugh.

 

“You’re more than welcome to come with me,” Dex offers with a smirk. “If you think you can keep up.”

 

The boys all laugh and start picking on Max for being out of shape, and it almost feels like Dex never left this place. It’s comfortable and recognizable. He gets asked about playing with Jack, of course. When he committed to playing at Samwell about a year ago, they demanded he tell them all about what it’s like to play with Jack Zimmerman, son of NHL legend Bad Bob Zimmerman.

 

Dex tells them a little bit, keeping Jack’s reputation in mind as he shares stories mainly of his work ethic and what it’s like to play on the same ice as him. He talks about meeting Bad Bob during parent’s weekend, too, which they all think is pretty cool.

 

As these things go, attention eventually switches to someone else and Dex finds himself looking around the room at everyone who’s there. It takes him a little bit, and he’s surprised at how many people have actually showed up. It seems like most of the guys from not only his graduating class, but the class before him are all here.

 

His stomach does a little flip when he spots Nick Johnson hanging out on the other side of the room. Dex lets his eyes skim over Nick’s body, he’s still skinny, but has filled out a little bit since graduation. His hair is shorter than Dex has ever seen it before, but still long enough that Dex could easily thread his fingers through it. For a second, Dex allows himself to think about that what if…

 

He’s drawn back into conversation, but throughout the night he can’t help but sneak glances Nick’s way. He knows he’s not being subtle, since a few times he catches Nick looking back. He’s a few beers in, not nearly drunk but tipsy enough that his inhibitions have been lowered and his sex drive has been raised, when he catches Nick’s eye and nods towards the stairwell.

 

He meets Nick in the second floor bathroom less than ten minutes later and despite the fact that Mark’s house is pretty big, their two fairly large bodies feel cramped inside.

 

“Hi Will,” Nick says, his voice low.

 

“So I heard you’re gay,” Dex says in lieu of a greeting, immediately mentally punching himself in the face. His face contorts and he’s sure if he looked in the mirror right now it would be bright red.

 

Thankfully, Nick just lets out a little laugh.

 

“Yeah,” he says gently. “I am.”

 

“Cool,” Dex says, shaking his head at how fucking lame he sounds. “I—uh. Me, too.”

 

“Cool,” Nick says teasingly.

 

Dex chuckles and lets out a little huff.

 

“I’m not smooth at all,” he admits with a self-deprecating smile.

 

“No, you’re not,” Nick says fondly, shaking his head. “But you definitely look good.”

 

Nick’s gaze trickles down his body and Dex blushes again.

 

“You, too,” he says softly.

 

Someone slams a door on the first floor and both of them look towards the door.

 

“Here probably isn’t the best place for this,” Nick says. “But if you want, my parents are out of town for a little while and my brother and sister are both at friends’ houses for the weekend.”

 

“I would hate for you to have to stay in your house all alone,” Dex says, raising an eyebrow.

 

“And to think you said you’re not smooth, Poindexter,” Nick jokes with a smirk.

 

Dex laughs and steps close to Nick’s body, wrapping his hand around Nick’s waist.

 

“I might be a little smooth,” he whispers into Nick’s ear.

 

Nick shudders and Dex feels a little power rush over it. He recovers well, though, and slides his hand back to cup Dex’s ass.

 

“You know the way, right?” he asks.

 

Dex hums and squeezes at Nick’s hip in response. He turns and leaves without saying anything else, feeling empowered and thrilled and fuck yeah, he’s gonna get laid, and—oh shit, what the fuck is he going to tell his mom?

 

He and Nick both wait a little while, drinking just water and letting the alcohol work it’s way out of their bodies before doing anything. Everyone who isn’t getting trashed and staying the night starts to head out about the same time, which feels like it takes forever in Dex’s mind. Nick leaves first between the two of them, and Dex waits about fifteen more minutes before saying his goodbyes too.

 

“I won’t be home tonight,” he texts his mother, hoping she doesn’t ask any questions.

 

He drives to Nick’s house and is grateful for the fact that the driveway snakes around the garage, so his car can be hidden from the street. This is a small town, and he definitely doesn’t want word to spread that he spent the night here. Not before he has the chance to tell the rest of his family about himself.

 

He checks his phone quickly before getting out of the car and goes into the house through the open garage.

 

“Okay, be safe,” his mom has texted back. Dex sighs, grateful for the easy response.

 

The house is mostly dark, but Dex follows what little light there is to the kitchen, where Nick is reaching up into one of the cabinets.

 

“Are you hungry?” he asks without looking back at Dex.

 

“I can always eat,” Dex answers.

 

Nick nods and pulls down two plates.

 

“Pizza will be ready in a few minutes,” he says, nodding to the oven.

 

Dex moves with total confidence around the center island and into Nick’s space. It’s a complete difference from the bathroom at Mark’s house. He backs Nick up against the counter top and brackets him in easily. He scans Nick’s face and doesn’t see any hesitation, but knows better than to assume consent.

 

“Yeah?” he asks.

 

“Yeah,” Nick says.

 

Dex closes the gap and fits their mouths together. It’s like setting a whole pile of dry leaves on fire, his body going up in flames instantly. He wants more—more teeth, more tongue, more friction, and definitely more of Nick’s hands on his ass.

 

The timer buzzes, separating them who knows how much later. Nick laughs and bites at his own lip, where it’s red and swollen. He slides away from Dex’s grip and pulls the pizza out of the oven. He cuts it and serves a slice to Dex before serving one for himself as well.

 

“Can’t say I didn’t buy you dinner first,” he jokes.

 

Dex laughs and raises his plate in a toast.

 

Dex gets home late the next morning. He isn’t hungover, thankfully, but his body is more sore than he thinks it’s ever been before in his life. They’d gone three rounds before finally collapsing into the bed together, and each time Nick’s thrusts got harder and harder. They’d gone another round that morning in bed and then again in the shower, breaking Dex’s single-night record previously held by Liam.

 

His abs are sore from riding Nick, his legs are sore from being spread so wide, his wrists are sore from holding a tight grip on the headboard, and of course his ass is sore from being split open on Nick’s dick. He feels amazing, though, every used inch of his body singing with joy.

 

Dex made a late breakfast for the two of them, scrambled eggs and toast because that’s what he knows how to make, so he skips lunch with his family in favor of catching a quick nap on the couch. He wakes about two hours later feeling less sore but still completely satisfied.

 

Cara corners him in his room, shutting the door softly behind her.

 

“Sue Ellen Cramer says she saw Nick Johnson in the grocery store this morning with hickeys all over his neck,” she says simply.

 

Dex smirks. He isn’t surprised the gossip train has already caught wind of Nick’s hook up. If only Sue Ellen Cramer knew about the hickeys she couldn’t see on Nick’s body.

 

“Billy, I thought we talked about this,” she hisses, understanding his reaction as an admission. “You can’t be doing that kind of stuff around here.”

 

“Why not?” he asks, his smile starting to fade.

 

“Because you can’t!”

 

“I think what we talked about was me not coming out to mom and dad,” Dex says simply. “Neither of us mentioned me not having sex while I’m home.”

 

“Ugh,” Cara says, scrunching up her face. “Don’t say that.”

 

“What?” Dex asks, turning on her. He’s angry, now. “You don’t want me talking about having gay sex with Nick Johnson? Because I did. Multiple times last night, and again this morning. We’ve left the door open for it to happen again, too.”

 

“Stop, William,” she orders. “It’s one thing to be gay and living under mom and dad’s roof, but it’s another thing to be acting on it and then talking about it. I told you I don’t care that you are, but I do care if you talk about that stuff around me.”

 

She turns and heads out into the hallway and back to her room, leaving Dex’s door wide open behind her. He stalks to the door and purposely doesn’t slam it—he knows that will just cause more problems.

 

Instead he punches his pillow a few times and, once he feels like his frustration is out, he collapses on the bed. He closes his eyes and rubs his face with his hands, wondering what the fuck he’s supposed to do with all that’s going on.

 

Because the thing is, he’s happy. He’s happy being gay and he’s happy being out at school and he was so very happy last night having amazing gay sex with another man. But this—being forced to stay in the closet to the people who mean the most to him and having his sister constantly put him down for who he sleeps with—this isn’t making him happy.

 

He thought it would all be okay if he just came out. Maybe that was naive of him, considering his family’s views. But he’s heard so many stories of conservative families who find out they have a gay member of their family and change their opinions of the gay community. He thought maybe that’s how his family could be.

 

But Cara is proving him very wrong and it really, really hurts.

 

Dex had a plan for the day, but now he doesn’t feel like doing anything. He pulls his covers up over his head and rolls over, burying his face in his pillow. He doesn’t sleep, isn’t actually tired, but instead just lays there.

 

His phone goes off multiple times, likely the team’s group chat and probably texts from Nick and a few of his hook ups at Samwell. But he doesn’t feel like dealing with those messages right now.

 

His youngest sister comes into his room hours later, to let him know dinner is ready. He dutifully gets up and joins his family for dinner. It’s a little simpler tonight, conversation mainly focusing around what’s easiest for him to talk about. Sports. They talk about the Patriots and the Bruins and a little bit about the Red Sox and, of course, they talk about Samwell men’s hockey team. He talks a little about playing with Jack, and meeting Bad Bob—his parents hadn’t been able to make it to parents’ weekend.

 

It’s all fine, it’s all easy. His family is good. They all love each other, they love spending time together. And as they all pile into the living room to watch a movie, his younger sisters fighting to sit next to him, Dex thinks maybe earlier he overreacted a bit.

 

The rest of his break passes by quickly. He goes out to work on the boat a few times, he goes on his runs and makes it to the gym to lift, and he spends as much time as he can manage tangled in Nick’s sheets. Dex is careful not to leave as many obvious marks and Cara doesn’t come talking to him about it again. Cara doesn’t really talk to him at all, actually. But Dex also doesn’t go out of his way to start conversations with her, either.

 

Christmas is nice, the whole family gathered around the tree in the morning opening presents and gathered again around the table in the evening for a truly delicious dinner. There’s nothing like his mother’s holiday cooking.

 

In the blink of an eye, it’s time for Dex to head back to Samwell. He has to get back a little earlier than most students, since he is still in the middle of his season and the coaches want to get the entire team back on the ice as soon as possible.

 

Dex spends his last night at home with his family, but his second to last night is spent with Nick. It’s slow, lazy, and Dex would almost call it romantic if they hadn’t already agreed they weren’t doing that kind of thing.

 

But it’s not like that with Nick, and Dex wouldn’t want it to be. That’s why he has no concerns about spending his first three nights back at Samwell in Bryan’s bed. Dex isn’t sure what he did to deserve such a good sex life, but he’s so glad Samwell is giving him the opportunity to reap the benefits now.

 

As his second semester of college begins, things are starting to look up for Dex and it’s easy to put the weird and slightly unsettling winter break behind him. The team is playing well, he’s getting good grades in all his classes, and he’s getting laid on the regular by a multitude of Samwell’s finest looking men.

 

Because of their schedules, Bryan seems to take over the role of his most common partner, though Liam is still a close second. And in addition to most of the other guys he slept with in the fall, he also adds Christian, his biology lab partner, and Ethan from the men’s swim team. He’s getting laid just about two or three times a week and it’s good—it’s really good.

 

The hockey season doesn’t end the way he wanted it to, which is upsetting. Though to be fair, he would have been disappointed with anything but the national championship title. That’s just the competitor in him, though.

 

The rooming situation in the Haus is a bit disappointing, too. He thought he had a chance to get someone’s dibs. Foolishly, he thought maybe he would get Jack’s since they bonded a little over Dex’s intro History class. It’s a little frustrating to think about returning to the fall and moving back into another dorm room, but Dex understands. He’ll get a room next year, for sure.

 

At least Dex’s grades look really good at the end of the semester. Thanks to a whole lot of study time with Christian and a little bit of extra “free” tutoring from his physics TA, they’re the highest he thinks he’s ever had.

 

He goes home at the end of the semester ready to work on the boat a lot, and work out even more. He isn’t expecting to add Nick to his routine, but within days of their return to town, he finds himself once again in Nick’s bed. He doesn’t mind, though. He sure as hell isn’t going to pass up a guaranteed night of multiple orgasms.

 

Dex considers coming out to the rest of his family, but between working on the boat in the mornings, going to the gym or the rink in the afternoons, and spending a decent amount of nights with Nick, he doesn’t really find a good time to do it. Besides, it’s the summer and everyone is happy and he doesn’t want to cause a huge fight right before he goes back to school.

 

So he returns back to Samwell still in the closet when it comes to everyone but Cara. It’s basically fine. It isn’t ideal, but he knows things could be a lot worse, and for that he’s grateful.

 

His classes aren’t impossible to handle, but he’s starting to get into the courses he actually needs for his degree so he puts a decent amount of stress on himself to do well in them. He’s getting it, which is good.

 

Besides passing grades, Dex’s second fall semester at Samwell isn’t much to write home about. Mainly because he couldn’t possibly write home about being spread out between two of the school’s star football players, letting both of them use him at the same time.

 

Dex would actually consider the semester boring, if it wasn’t for the rotation of men he gets to have between his legs. Things pick up when the hockey season begins, at least. It still sucks being in the dorms again instead of in the Haus, but he spends enough time hanging out there with the team that it’s basically like he’s living there already.

 

Things get a little funky when his mom surprises him by showing up for parents’ weekend. He didn’t expect her to make it, since they don’t really have the money for it. But somehow she’s here anyway, and he finds himself showing her around campus. It’s awkward at best, having her in this space where he’s so open about who he really is, and he spends most of the weekend not acting like himself at all.

 

Where he normally would flirt with the male server at Annie’s, he’s polite in the most basic sense of the word. Where he normally would spend the night before a game lazily making out in one of his guys’ bed (normally Bryan or Liam), he spends it at dinner with his mom getting the latest gossip about the scandals back home.

 

It’s just thrilling to know that one of these days he could end up being the subject of such gossip.

 

The weekend passes slowly, and when she finally leaves Dex feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He was so worried the whole time that someone or something would accidentally out him, so to get through it unscathed is a huge relief.

 

He hopes no one noticed how off he was all weekend, but he knows better than to think it’s actually possible everyone just missed his tense and closed-off attitude. His gut feeling is proven right when Bitty corners him with a freshly cooled blueberry cobbler.

 

“Sit, honey. Have a slice,” Bitty says, gesturing to the kitchen table.

 

Dex knows better than to say no. Not only would that hurt Bitty’s feelings, but it would also make him even more determined to figure out and fix what’s wrong.

 

“You know why I wanna talk, right?” Bitty asks.

 

Dex nods his head, but doesn’t say anything at first. He takes a few bites out of his cobbler and thinks about what he wants to say. The reality is, he knows Bitty will understand what he’s going through. Because Bitty is from a small town in Georgia and has a conservative family and is openly gay and—he just knows Bitty will understand.

 

“You know I sleep with guys, right?” he finally asks.

 

“Yeah,” Bitty says softly.

 

“Like, a lot of guys.”

 

Bitty nods and Dex takes another bite of blueberries before continuing.

 

“My family is really conservative, you know? They have very strong opinions about men who sleep with other men.”

 

Dex pauses for a little bit and takes a few more bites. His piece is almost gone and he starts eyeing the rest of the tin.

 

“Here at school, I’m out. I’m open about who I am and it’s really…freeing.”

 

“But you feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re at home,” Bitty says softly. “Here you can be Dex, the hot hockey player who loves having sex with guys and embraces who he is. But there you’re stuck being Billy, the guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend yet—but will eventually settle down with a woman and get married and have the 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. That person isn’t you, but you don’t feel like you can tell your family that. And when your two worlds overlap, it can become very stressful.”

 

Dex nods. He knew Bitty would understand. And he should have known Bitty would be able to put his feelings into words better than even he could.

 

“Yeah,” Dex manages to croak despite his throat feeling like it’s closing up. “Yeah, that’s exactly it.”

 

Bitty hums and cuts another slice of cobbler, serving it on Dex’s plate.

 

“I came out to my mom this weekend,” he says bluntly.

 

Dex’s eyes go wide and his hand pauses halfway between the plate and his mouth. The pile of blueberries on his fork slides off and plops on to the plate.

 

“Yeah,” Bitty says, nodding his head. “She took it kinda well, actually.”

 

Dex recovers from his shock and scoops his bite back into his mouth.

 

“Are you going to tell your dad?” he asks, accidentally spraying crumbs across the table.

 

He attempts to look apologetic under Bitty’s gaze, but isn’t sure if he manages to succeed.

 

“I haven’t decided yet,” Bitty says, sweeping up the crumbs. “Coach is…a lot more conservative than my mama is.”

 

“Yeah,” Dex says, nodding his head. “My dad is more conservative, too, I think.”

 

“Look honey, I can’t tell you what to do, okay?” Bitty says. “I can’t tell you if it’s right for you to come out to your family or not. That’s your decision. But I can be here for you, no matter what you decide to do. Even if you just need to talk things through.”

 

“You’ve got my back?” Dex asks with a quirked eyebrow.

 

“On and off the ice.”

 

Dex gives him a grateful smile. So much is going on right now, but at least he’s got Bitty here to talk to. At least he has someone who is willing to support him no matter what.

 

Things basically go back to normal after that. Dex still has thoughts about coming out to his family all the time. But he’s just not sure if this is the right move or not. He has no idea what might happen, and he isn’t prepared for all the possibilities.

 

He feels almost reluctant to head home when the semester ends. He spends his last night in Liam’s bed, wondering how long it’ll be until he feels this comfortable all the time, rather than just when he’s here at Samwell.

 

Getting home is exhausting, the cold weather making the roads slippery and traffic heavier. By the time he gets home, he’s mere seconds from falling asleep. He does his duty and says hi to everyone, but eventually begs off to go straight to bed.

 

The next morning he goes to the dock to see when he can work, and they come back with a loaded schedule. Apparently one of the normal guys had to get surgery on his knee and is out for a few months, leaving wide open holes in their scheduling.

 

It’s great for Dex’s bank account, having so much work to do. But it leaves him extremely busy and he has almost no time for himself.

 

He ends up catching up with Nick a few days after Christmas, which is a surprise. He runs into him at the grocery store as he’s picking up some things for his mom. He’s happy to see Nick, and despite the slight pang of loneliness in his chest, he’s happy to find out Nick is in what seems like a solid relationship.

 

Which of course means no hook ups for Dex while he’s home. But that’s okay, honestly. He doesn’t really have the time, and he’s not sure if he’s willing to run the risk of getting caught anymore anyway.

 

A few days before he’s set to return back to school, he decides to make a crazy decision. He comes home early from work and it’s just him and his mom in the house. He sends a quick text to Bitty, just to say “I’m doing it,” and joins her in the kitchen.

 

He’s nervous, and he can tell his mom can feel it. He swallows the nerves and sits down at the kitchen table.

 

“I wanna tell you something,” he says softly.

 

His mom puts down the plate she’s drying, and sits down next to him. He has to do it. He has to just bite the bullet and say it.

 

“Mom, I’m gay.”

 

He sees her eyebrows shoot up and he shifts his gaze down to his own hands. He can feel the moment sitting in the air between them.

 

“Are you sure?” she asks.

 

“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “Definitely.”

 

She sucks in a breath and sits back in her chair. He doesn’t know what more to say. He doesn’t know what to do now. It’s out there now, there’s no going back.

 

“I need to think about this,” she says after a very long pause. “Please go to your room until everyone else comes home.”

 

Dex nods and stands up. He pauses, hoping that maybe she’ll say something else. Hoping that she’ll say she loves him or say it’s going to be okay. Hoping that maybe she’ll get up and give him a hug. But she doesn’t, and it’s disappointing as he leaves the room.

 

Bitty sent him a few messages, but he doesn’t have the stomach to even read them, let alone respond. He wouldn’t know what to say, mainly because he doesn’t know where he and his mom stand. So he tucks himself into bed and stares at the wall for a few hours until everyone else gets home.

 

Dinner is tense that night. It seems like only Dex and his mom know why, but there’s definitely something hanging in the air between everyone. His mom won’t look at him, will barely talk directly to him, and Dex feels like he’s starting to fall into a hole.

 

She doesn’t speak to him again the rest of the night, and not at all the next day either. Every time he looks at her, she looks away and he feels like he’s being punched in the stomach. It gets to a point where he would rather her just talk to him, no matter what she’s going to say, than have this wall between them.

 

She finally talks to him the day he’s leaving, as they’re all packing up his stuff up into his car. She corners him in his room under the guise of helping him pack the rest of his clothes. He feels hyper-aware of everyone moving about in the house around them. His sisters are in their rooms down the hall, and he can hear his dad watching SportsCenter downstairs.

 

“I never thought I would have a gay child,” she says, her eyes trained solely on folding the pile of shirts on his bed. “The Bible tells us that homosexuality is a sin. But as your mother I know I raised you better than to make bad decisions.”

 

“I didn’t choose to be gay,” Dex says softly.

 

“I need to think more about this, Billy,” she says. “I need to pray for you and hope that something tells me what to do because right now I don’t know what to do.”

 

Dex bites his tongue. He hoped that she would at least talk to him, and he got his wish. It’s a lot more painful than he expected, but at least he knows where she stands right now.

 

“Are you going to tell dad?” he asks.

 

“I think…” She pauses. “I think it would be best if your father doesn’t know right now.”

 

Dex lets out a little breath that he didn’t know he was holding in. It feels almost like a relief, knowing that this part of him is still going to be kept from his father.

 

“Thank you,” he says.

 

“Let’s get your stuff to the car.”

 

Dex feels almost dazed as he says goodbye to the rest of his family. He makes it to Samwell in record time and doesn’t remember the majority of the drive. He’s happy, for a change, that he has a single dorm so he can just dump his stuff on the floor and crawl into bed when he gets there.

 

He falls asleep almost immediately and wakes up entirely too early the next morning. His phone is dead, so he doesn’t know exactly what time it is, but he can tell it’s early by the way the sun is filtering into the room. He digs through his bags to find his charger and plugs his phone in.

 

When it has enough battery to turn on he sees that it’s just after four in the morning. And that he’s got a few dozen texts and missed phone calls, mostly from Bitty. The most recent came through just about two hours ago, so Dex knows Bitty is likely asleep by now. It’s not worth it to respond right away.

 

It’s not like Bitty really should have to deal with Dex’s problems anyway. Everyone on the team knows Bitty is currently going through some stuff of his own. No one knows what it is, but it’s his choice to keep it to himself and Dex knows that probably better than anyone else.

 

The point is, Dex isn’t going to bother Bitty with his shit right now. Not when he’s got stuff going on of his own. And certainly not at four in the morning.

 

Dex realizes there’s no way he’s going back to sleep and drags himself out of bed. He unpacks his bags silently and when everything is in its place, he pulls on warm running clothes.

 

His jog starts just after five at his dorm and he doesn’t really plan where to go, just lets his body make the turns it wants to. He left his phone plugged in, so the only sounds around are the pounding of his feet on the pavement and the occasional scurry of a surprised animal.

 

There’s snow falling around him and every time he breathes out a puff of smoke clouds him, but after a few minutes Dex doesn’t feel the cold at all. He passes by most of the academic buildings, murder stop-n-shop, the President’s house, Faber, and eventually finds himself in front of the Haus. He doesn’t know what time it is, but there’s a light on in the lower level so he doesn’t think twice about getting the key from their hiding spot and walking in.

 

He hears a voice in the kitchen as he’s shedding his jacket and shoes by the front door. Coming from the kitchen, it’s likely Bitty, and Dex is not sure if he wants to face him right now. But Bitty in the kitchen usually means homemade breakfast, and that appeals to Dex more than anything else.

 

“Hey,” he says when he gets to the doorway, making Bitty jump in his seat.

 

“Dex!” Bitty says, quickly shutting his laptop screen. “Hi!”

 

“What are you doing?” Dex asks, nodding at the laptop.

 

“Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. How are you? You never answered my texts.”

 

Dex sits in the chair across from Bitty and furrows his brow. Bitty is definitely hiding something. But he obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, so Dex lets him change the subject without a fight. The clock on the wall says it’s a little before seven, which is much later than Dex thought it was.

 

“I just ran for almost two hours,” he says with a shrug.

 

Bitty pinches his mouth shut. Dex knows that’s not what he was asking, but he doesn’t know how to say what he’s feeling. He’s not sure if he wants to, either.

 

“Dex…” Bitty starts.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Dex cuts him off. “I just—”

 

Dex sucks in a huge breath and lets it out in a rush.

 

“Honey, please talk to me,” Bitty says quietly. “All I know is that you sent me a text that said you were doing something and then you fell off the face of the Earth for days. I’ve been so worried about you. I—I didn’t even know if you were back at school or anything.”

 

Dex feels the prick of tears, hot behind his eyes. He knows Bitty does care. And he knows Bitty understands what he’s going through. But how can Bitty completely understand when his mother was so accepting? Bitty’s fears turned out to be nothing, really. But Dex’s fears? They’re still very real.

 

Dex stays silent. He knows Bitty wants to hear what he has to say, but he doesn’t know what he would say if he did say something. He doesn’t know where to begin.

 

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to tell me everything right now. I just need to know that you’re okay,” Bitty says, reaching over to cup Dex’s hands with his own.

 

“I’m fine,” Dex lies. Bitty scowls at him. “I’ll be fine.”

 

Bitty looks disappointed, but Dex just doesn’t have the energy to say anything else.

 

Dex is saved from further questioning by Holster, who stumbles into the kitchen bleary eyed and hair sticking up in every direction. He opens the refrigerator and stares at it for a minute, rubbing his eyes, before sighing and slumping his shoulders forward.

 

“I can make omelets,” Bitty offers.

 

Holster turns and beams at Bitty, nodding.

 

Dex is careful to keep his emotions hidden from the team after that. He gets into a good rhythm of going to practice, going to classes, hanging out with the team, and then going to bed. In a way, it’s helpful to have the facade to maintain, because days pass where Dex just has no energy to do anything but stay in bed. He has no motivation to go to classes, no desire to do homework, and no passion for hockey. But he knows Bitty is suspicious of everything, and knows he can’t afford to look anything but normal.

 

He thinks it’s working, but he’s really not sure. Bitty has stopped giving him the questioning looks, but honestly Bitty is so preoccupied with whatever it is that he’s hiding from the team that Dex isn’t sure it counts.

 

It turns out, Bitty’s secret is Jack. More specifically, the fact that he and Jack have been dating for months. Dex is happy for them both. They both deserve to be with someone who respects them, loves them, and will do anything for them. They deserve each other.

 

With the Haus in the loop about their relationship, Bitty is overwhelmed with the openness. Jack is all he thinks about, all he talks about. Anyone less of a friend would probably get annoyed by it, but Bitty is happy and the team is just so relieved to have their sunshine baker back to normal that no one cares too much if they have to listen to the story of their first kiss a thousand times.

 

Dex is even more of a fan of Bitty’s preoccupation with Jack, since it also gives him a break from the inquisition. What he isn’t a fan of is Nursey suddenly showing an interest in his life. Both his sex life and his regular life. Dex doesn’t know where Nursey gets off, thinking he has a right to Dex’s personal life. But here he is asking questions upon questions every day about Dex’s classes and his family and whose bed he slept in last night and, honestly, Dex is ready to punch the guy in the face just to get him off his back.

 

He won’t, though. Because he knows he’ll get in trouble with the coaches and that could lead to him losing his spot on the team and losing his scholarship. He can’t afford college without it, and he doesn’t want to be a disappointment to his family again.

 

But they’re not friends, him and Nursey. Not like he’s friends with Bitty. So Dex doesn’t feel bad about brushing off Nursey’s questions. It’s not his business to know how Dex’s classes are going. And it’s certainly not his business who’s bed Dex sleeps in.

 

Classes are going great, though, so that’s definitely not a concern. Dex doesn’t even need the extra tutoring his mechanics TA offers—turns out he’s Dex’s physics TA’s roommate from last spring. He takes the guy up on the offer anyway. He’s got massive biceps and an extremely thick dick that’s great to sit on.

 

The reality is, classes and sex are probably the two things keeping Dex from completely shutting down. He’s playing like shit on the ice, he’s avoiding all his teammates as much as possible, he hasn’t talked to anyone in his family in weeks, he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since he returned from winter break, and he doesn’t know how to fix any of this. His academics and the bedroom are the two areas of his life where he doesn’t feel like a complete fuck up.

 

Dex doesn’t even really feel like hooking up that much. He still does it about twice a week now, but despite usually enjoying it, he doesn’t feel the same thrill. It doesn’t help that most of his usual partners are suddenly finding relationships. They’re happy, they’re in love, it’s wonderful for them. But it also reminds Dex that once the sex is over, he’s completely alone.

 

Against all odds, the team actually makes it as far as the Frozen Four before they’re knocked out of the tournament. They’re just not good enough, and the teams they’re playing against are too strong. It’s a good learning experience for all of them, despite the heartbreaking end to Ransom and Holster’s college careers.

 

The team holds a vigil when they get back to school for the death of their season. It’s a slightly overdramatic thing to do, but it helps them all feel better about the loss and that’s really what matters.

 

The tough part about making it so far in the playoffs is that Dex doesn’t have much time after the season is over until he has to start thinking about going back home.

 

Normally, this wouldn’t be that big of a thing. But he’s still not sure where he stands with his mother, he considers Cara basically a lost cause, and he’s pretty sure he’s going to have to come out to his father at some point this summer which will likely become a huge thing.

 

So yeah, Dex isn’t exactly looking forward to going home.

 

The semester finishes up without much more fanfare. Ransom and Holster kiss the ice at Faber, Lardo gives her dibs to Nursey and Dex, and then the three of them graduate. Belongings get packed into boxes and shoved into cars, goodbyes are said, and Dex finds himself on the long, familiar road home.

 

Things are awkward at first. He’s pretty sure his mom is avoiding him, his sister definitely is, and all his father wants to talk about is Jack Zimmerman. That last part is totally fine. He can talk about Jack Zimmerman. In fact, he’d much rather talk about how he’s got the NHL rookie of the year’s number in his phone than the fact that in his first two years of college he’s slept with about half of the school’s population of gay men.

 

It’s slightly ironic, really, since the biggest thing Dex knows about Jack that his father can’t find out from the internet is that Jack is currently in a serious relationship with another man. But he keeps that part to himself, obviously. For Jack and Bitty first and foremost, but also for himself.

 

Dex tries his best to just keep his head down at home. He works as much as possible and stays late at the gym as often as he can to avoid being in the house. His dad makes a joke at one point about how he feels like he never sees him, and Dex isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry because of the sincerity of it.

 

The reality is, he’s exhausting himself trying to stay away from his family. He doesn’t notice it until a buddy of his who works at the gym asks if he’s okay and he’s not completely sure how to respond.

 

He says he’s fine, but when Dex gets into the locker room and takes a good look at himself in the mirror, he realizes just how run down he looks. His hair is a mess, his skin is more pale than usual, and he has dark circles under his eyes that make him look like he got punched in the face. He looks sick, really. And now that he’s thinking about it, he’s feeling way too sore for the workouts he’s been putting in, has had a headache for three days in a row, and could probably fall asleep for the next week straight.

 

He only has about three weeks left until he’s supposed to go back to school anyway, so he feels…maybe comfortable isn’t the right word, but it’s the one that fits. He feels comfortable coming out to his father.

 

It takes him another four days to build up the courage to say something, and he uses that time to quietly pack all of his belongings—even the stuff he doesn't normally take to school with him. He doesn’t know how this is going to go, and despite the optimist in him saying maybe it won’t be that bad, the realist knows his dad is going to be upset.

 

Besides, he’s moving into the Haus anyway so he’s pretty sure there’s enough room and he doesn’t think anyone would mind if some of his shit kinda just…stays there if he isn’t allowed to go back home.

 

He tells his dad after work on a Thursday. His mom has taken his sisters to the grocery store, and his dad has just cracked open a beer and sat down to get ready for the baseball game. Dex is terrified of the impending reaction, but knows he has to stop avoiding the issue and put it out in the open.

 

His dad doesn’t react quite as badly as he expected. He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t scream, he doesn’t throw anything at Dex or hit him at all.

 

“You’ll be out of my house by tomorrow night,” he says, not meeting Dex’s eyes.

 

“But dad—” Dex interjects.

 

“No buts,” his dad says. “I won’t have a fag living in my house.”

 

Dex feels like he’s been slapped in the face. Overall, this is probably a much better response than he was expecting. But yet somehow it hurts even more than he was prepared for.

 

Dex doesn’t say anything else. He heads up to his room and starts moving his stuff down to his car. His dad doesn’t say another word.

 

Dex is glad he saved up enough money on his own to buy a truck with a large bed in the back, so he can fit everything. He has to squish some of his stuff into the passenger seat, but everything fits. He’s getting the last bit into the truck when his mom and sisters come home.

 

“Billy?” his mom asks, stopping him from putting his pillows on the front seat. “What are you doing?”

 

“Leaving,” he says simply.

 

He notices Cara trying to catch his eye, but he refuses to look at her.

 

“You don’t have to be at school for another two weeks, Billy,” she says.

 

Dex doesn’t say anything. He’s not sure where to begin. How he would explain, in front of his two little sisters, that he’s been kicked out by his father because he’s gay.

 

He shrugs and closes the door to the truck.

 

“Don’t ever forget how much I love you,” he says, leaning down to give his little sisters a hug. “No matter what happens, I’m here for both of you. And I always will be.”

 

He has nothing more to say. Against his mother’s plea, he gets into the driver’s side of the truck and drives away. He doesn’t know where he’s going until he pulls up in front of the Johnsons’ house. Nick’s car is in the driveway, so Dex knows he’s home.

 

Dex turns the engine off and sighs. He puts his forehead down on the steering wheel. He has no idea what is going to happen now. He’s been officially kicked out of his own home. He’s got what few belongings he owns, but he has nowhere to go. Maybe Nick’s family will let him stay the night, but maybe they won’t. It’s still a long drive to Samwell, and he isn’t even sure he’ll be able to get into the Haus for another week.

 

He could call Bitty, see if there’s a way for him to get into the Haus early, and just drive there now. But he’s exhausted and doesn’t want to bother Bitty anyway. He’s probably with Jack and they’ve got better things to be doing than worrying about Dex.

 

Dex jumps when there’s a tap at the window. He’s been sitting here so long, the sun has started to go down and Nick has decided to come out and investigate. Dex opens the door slowly, rubbing at his eyes. They feel so heavy.

 

“Hey,” he croaks.

 

Nick takes one look at Dex’s packed tuck and gives him a sympathetic look.

 

“Need somewhere to stay?” Nick asks.

 

“I—” Dex gulps, pausing. He can’t get the words out of his mouth.

 

“Come on,” Nick says softly, grabbing Dex’s arm and helping him out of the truck.

 

Dex is so grateful for the Johnson family. They let him stay in their guest bedroom for two days, until Dex gets confirmation that he can move into the Haus early. Nick and his dad offer to drive to school with him, but Dex passes. He feels like he’s been enough of a burden on them already, he doesn’t want to take essentially an entire day out of their lives just for something he can do on his own.

 

Before he leaves, Mrs. Johnson pulls Dex aside and lets him know that he has somewhere to stay over school breaks, if he needs it. Dex is grateful for her offer, but he’s not sure he’s going to want to come back to this town at all. Especially not over the holidays.

 

It takes Dex longer to drive to school than normal, since he doesn’t time his drive and hits rush hour traffic going through Boston. Normally he would get frustrated by the delay, but it’s not like there’s anyone waiting for him at the Haus. And it’s not like anyone is going to notice and be worried if he’s late getting there.

 

He stops in Providence for a late drive thru dinner and considers giving Bitty and Jack a call. He knows they’re here, based on Bitty’s social media posts. But he quickly shuts down that thought process because they’re probably super busy getting Jack ready for the NHL season. And spending time together. And being happy and in love. Dex knows he’s in a sour mood right now, he doesn’t want to ruin their happiness.

 

Dex gets to the Haus really late at night. It’s eerie how quiet the normally boisterous street is. He doesn’t have anything else to do, so he unpacks everything he brought with him in one go. He’s really glad they thought ahead and got a second set of bunk beds put in before they left for the summer, he didn’t even think about what he was going to sleep on. At the end of the move-in, at about three in the morning, Dex collapses into bed.

 

The next day he walks to the campus bookstore and applies for a job. If he’s not going to go back home, he has to find a way to make money that isn’t being on the boat. It definitely helps that it turns out one of the managers of the bookstore is one of the guys he was sleeping with last semester. All he has to do is blow the guy in the back room and he’s hired.

 

The next two weeks go by in a monotonous blur. Wake up, hit the gym, go to work, open boxes, stock shelves, ring up a few people who came to school early, go home, go to sleep. Repeat. Occasionally he throws in an unenthusiastic blow job for his manager, if they’re working together. But other than that, it’s the same thing day in and day out.

 

When everyone starts coming back to school, Dex tries to distance himself, not wanting anyone to get too close at this point. He doesn’t do much more than go to the gym, work and go to classes. He spends a lot of his free time in the library, where no one will bother him.

 

For all the time he spends in the library, his grades don’t show it at all. He’s not failing completely, but he is barely keeping his head above water. He just can’t wrap his mind around a lot of the complex theories and processes being taught. Most of his TAs are women, too, which means he isn’t even interested in getting free tutoring.

 

The season starts and it at least gives him a little break from the monotony. He still spends all his free time alone, either at the library or holed up in the attic. But at least it’s something different from the routine he got himself into.

 

He knows his teammates are starting to get concerned. He’s been on the receiving end of Bitty’s “worried” stare more than he can count, he’s had “captain conversations” with both Ollie and Wicks and he’s narrowly escaped both Chowder and Tango’s questioning multiple times. But really, there’s nothing to talk about. He’s just tired a lot. And not always thinking straight. And doesn’t feel like hanging out all the time. He hasn’t really been eating a lot either, but that’s kinda normal when he’s stressed by school work anyway.

 

It’s fine. He’s fine.

 

The Thanksgiving break is good for him. Thanksgiving Day not so much, since the bookstore is closed and all of his teammates are away. Bitty invited him to Providence to have Thanksgiving with him and Jack, and Chowder did the same with Farmer’s family. But Dex didn’t feel like being in the way. It’s just a little painful, is all. Sitting in his bed at the Haus on Thanksgiving night eating a turkey sandwich he got from the dining hall and scrolling through Facebook looking at everyone else having a good time with their families. Including his own sister’s photos, which hurt a lot more than he’s willing to admit. But he’s picked up a lot of hours at the bookstore for the week, and with the holiday wage and going into overtime, he’s making bank. It’s worth it. He just keeps telling himself that somehow it’s worth it.

 

He hooks up on Black Friday, too. It’s one of the first times this semester outside of his manager at the bookstore. It’s with a guy on the football team who’s from Canada. He’s tall, has gorgeous dark skin, piercing green eyes, and a smile that makes Dex think it’s possible for a man’s panties to get wet. When he comes, he bites down into Dex’s neck, leaving a mark for everyone to see later. For the first time since the summer, as Dex is getting fucked into the guy’s mattress, he feels like he can breathe again.

 

Classes resume and everything goes back to normal. Dex continues to avoid his teammates as best as possible, which he mainly does by avoiding the Haus, and life goes on.

 

Soon enough, winter break approaches and Dex has to face reality. It was one thing to claim he wasn’t going home for Thanksgiving break just so he could work more, but it’s another to approach the subject of staying at Samwell for the entire month of winter break without having to talk to someone about why.

 

As captains, Ollie and Wicks are the ones who have to pay the electricity and heating bills. But Dex knows that Bitty is really the one he needs to talk to. He’s the one who will understand.

 

He says about as much as he has to. He came out to his family and he’s not going back home for winter break. Dex doesn’t know how he gets away with saying so little, maybe it’s the way he’s avoiding looking at Bitty while they talk. But for whatever reason, Bitty just gives him a soft “okay” and tells him he’s here for him, if he decides he wants to talk. And while he’s going back home to Georgia for the break, Dex is welcome to join Jack in Providence as often as he wants over break. Dex nods and hurries out of Bitty’s room as quickly as possible.

 

He tells everyone else he’s sticking around a few days extra to work at the bookstore, to explain why he isn’t packing while everyone else is. Thankfully Bitty doesn’t call him on it, though the sad looks he’s giving are possibly worse than being called out.

 

Like Thanksgiving break, Dex picks up as many shifts at the bookstore as possible. But with the lack of customers and the rules about how much he actually can work in a week’s time, he has more free days than he would like.

 

Christmas comes faster than expected, and with the entire school shut down (the bookstore included) for a long weekend, Dex isn’t sure what he’s going to do. Staying at the Haus alone like on Thanksgiving doesn’t sound great, but it looks like the only option.

 

Dex is almost relieved when he gets a call from Jack, two days before Christmas, asking if he’d like to join the Zimmermans in Providence. The idea of spending Christmas with Bad Bob Zimmerman is a little intimidating, but Jack has always been easy to be around. Jack doesn’t make Dex talk when he doesn’t want to and doesn’t make him feel like he’s silently being judged.

 

He’s surprised when Jack takes a long, considerate look at him the second he walks through the door, though. He shows Dex to the guest room and gives him time to get settled in, but when Dex starts to make his way back into the living room, he overhears Jack on the phone with who he can only assume is Bitty.

 

“He’s definitely lost weight since I last saw him,” Jack is saying. “And he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. You said he hasn’t been home since the summer?”

 

Jack listens for a moment and then hums.

 

“I’ll do my best,” he says softly. “Love you.”

 

When Dex is sure the phone call has ended he waits a little bit longer and then joins Jack, who has now migrated to the kitchen.

 

“Hey, thanks again for inviting me,” he says, taking the beer Jack hands out. “I appreciate you letting me crash your family time.”

 

“You’re not crashing it,” Jack assures him. “We want you here.”

 

Dex swallows, unconvinced, and tracks Jack’s back as he casually walks into the living room. He takes a sip of his beer, takes a few deep breaths, and follows Jack.

 

“When will your parents be here?” he asks.

 

“Their flight should be getting in within the next hour or so,” Jack says. “They’ll still have to get through customs so I figured I’ll leave here in about forty minutes.”

 

Everything feels a little awkward once Jack leaves. Dex considered offering to go with him, but really he thought he should give Jack some time alone with his family. He’s not even sure Jack’s parents know he’s going to be here. But that leaves him here, in Jack Zimmerman’s apartment, alone. Jack asked him to start peeling the potatoes for dinner, so Dex figures at least he’s being somewhat useful right now.

 

As Dex is peeling the potatoes he can’t help but think about why he’s here. Why did Jack invite him for the holiday? Obviously Bitty got involved, or Jack wouldn’t have even known Dex wasn’t going home. Bitty is still the only one who knows anything that’s going on. But why would Jack even care?

 

As Dex makes quick work with the potatoes, he decides this whole thing is stupid. He shouldn’t be here. As soon as he’s done with the prep, he heads into the guest room. He hasn’t unpacked much, just some of his clothes from when he was looking for his hoodie earlier. He shoves everything into his bag and takes one look around the room, hoping he hasn’t forgotten anything.

 

Dex brings his bag out to the living room where he’s had his laptop set up, playing Christmas music and most definitely not open to his sister’s Facebook profile. He shuts off the music and is shutting down his laptop when the front door opens.

 

“We definitely have to get tighter on the power play if we want to make the playoffs,” Jack is saying as he carries his parents’ bags into the apartment. “The problem is, we have to find a way to boost the second unit.”

 

He starts to say more, but cuts himself off when he notices Dex closing his laptop on the couch. His eyes settle briefly on Dex’s bags and his eyebrows pinch together.

 

“Are you leaving?” he asks.

 

Dex bites the inside of his lip. He was hoping to be out of here before they came back, but apparently he just wasn’t quick enough. He hadn’t planned for getting caught.

 

“Yeah,” he admits.

 

“Why?” Jack asks. Dex shrugs and tucks his laptop into his bag. “Are you going home?”

 

Dex shakes his head. He can’t look Jack in the eye.

 

“So you’re not going home, but you’re leaving here?” Dex shrugs. “You’re not going back to the Haus. I’m not letting you spend Christmas alone.”

 

“Why not?” Dex asks, slightly ashamed of how rough his voice comes out. He’s vaguely aware of Jack’s parents hovering just inside the doorway. “Look, I appreciate you inviting me here. It was incredibly thoughtful of both you and Bitty.”

 

Dex runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

 

“But?” Jack prompts.

 

“But the holidays are supposed to be family time,” Dex says, resigned. He gestures to the Zimmermans, standing in the doorway.

 

“You’re part of my family,” Jack says.

 

Dex swallows, taken back a bit by Jack’s blunt response. He never thought that’s something Jack would say. He’s just a frog, no one special in Jack’s life while he was still at Samwell and certainly no one special in Jack’s life now. Dex opens his mouth, but doesn’t know what to say. He eyes his keys, sitting on the table, and Jack’s gaze follows. Jack is quick to pick them up.

 

“I’m not going to force you to stay here,” Jack says. “But I think you should.”

 

Dex clenches his jaw and looks down at his laptop. He really doesn’t want to go back to the Haus where he’ll be alone. And he doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

 

“Okay.”

 

Christmas with the Zimmermans isn’t as intimidating as Dex expects. Alicia is possibly one of the sweetest people he’s ever met and Bob is, to steal a phrase from Nursey’s vernacular, super chill. Dex knows they’re aware of his situation. He doesn’t know exactly how much they know, but he knows they’ve got some idea. Maybe that’s why they don’t bring up his family. Maybe that’s why they keep him away from his phone and laptop as much as possible. Regardless of if it’s intentional or not, Dex appreciates it.

 

He feels awkward when, Christmas morning, the Zimmermans all exchange presents and he neither gets nor gives anything. But even with the awkwardness he has to admit it beats spending Christmas alone at the Haus.

 

The day after Christmas, Dex is back on campus. The bookstore isn’t open until later in the afternoon, so Dex decides to splurge on himself and goes to Annie’s for breakfast. He’s surprised when his server isn’t Carol, the older lady who works just about every day. Instead it’s a younger guy—definitely a Samwell student by the looks of it. His name tag says Ian and his soft baby blue eyes have Dex entranced the moment he sits down.

 

Dex wasn’t planning on spending the entire morning sitting in his booth making conversation with a stranger, but he has nothing else to do and Ian is easy to talk to. He's even easier to look at.

 

Dex discovers that Ian is an econ major (yes, he knows Holster) that lives at home and commutes ten minutes every day for classes. He’s on an academic scholarship, which is good because his mother is a kindergarten teacher and his father is a firefighter. They don’t have the money to support their four kids through college. Ian’s three sisters are all younger and the money he makes working his three jobs gets spent mostly on his books and clothes for them.

 

It’s weird, really. The entire time they’re talking Dex feels like he’s talking almost to himself. If he was a lot shorter, bulkier, didn’t play hockey and had a more liberal family. Dex doesn’t really want to think about that last difference right now, but with the way Ian wears his “#Pride” wristband and talks about his sister’s girlfriend it’s hard to ignore.

 

Dex is really grateful he set an alarm on his phone to remind him to get ready for work because he completely loses track of time talking to Ian. There’s something about his shy smile that continues to pull Dex in and makes him want to call out sick and just stay here all day. But no, he has to go or he could lose his job and that… wouldn’t end well for him.

 

He gets Ian’s number, though. Which weirdly makes his stomach flip just a little. And as he’s leaving Ian lets him know that he’s free on Thursday nights, which makes his stomach flip a little more. By the time he makes it to the bookstore his cheeks are sore from smiling and he’s got a text asking him out for dinner this coming Thursday.

 

Dex dates Ian for exactly seventeen days. It’s nice, Ian’s family is kind and they get a lot of solid kissing in. But Dex wants more and it turns out Ian wants to wait until marriage to have sex. While he understands and appreciates Ian’s commitment, it’s a deal breaker for their relationship.

 

With the new semester comes a new Dex. He’s upset about the breakup for a couple of days, but it wasn’t a serious relationship so he gets over it quick enough. Mainly by getting under someone else. The start of the spring semester finds him a different person, though. He’s looser and lighter on his feet. He’s got good relationships going with everyone on the team—even Nursey, his classes seem way easier and he feels like he can skate circles around just about anyone. Murray and Hall are impressed with his new-found abilities on the ice and his grades validate the ease of his course load.

 

He still has weird days, though. Days when he wakes up and all he wants is to roll over and go back to sleep. Days when his legs feel like they’re made out of lead and it takes all of his energy just to drag himself to classes or practice. Days when his head pounds, no matter how much Advil he takes, right behind his eyes and makes his vision go blurry. Days when he feels like he’s underwater, unable to clear the static from his brain.

 

He shrugs it all off, though. He has no business feeling off like that. He’s playing well, he’s got good grades, and he’s back to getting laid regularly. He’s living every college guy’s dream. Right?

 

The problem is, no matter how hard he tries to ignore the off days, they just keep coming. As the semester progresses along, they get more frequent. Dex doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t understand where these feeling are coming from and he doesn’t know how to make them go away. His room is a mess, he sometimes forgets to shower, and the only reason he eats three meals every day is because he knows he has to keep his energy up for games.

 

Midterms are hell on both his body and mind. All he does is sleep, study and play hockey. It’s enough for him to recognize something is wrong. He still doesn’t know what, but he knows it’s more serious than he thought. Whatever, he’ll figure it out after midterms.

 

He doesn’t figure it out after midterms. Playoffs are starting and he’s got the team to think about. He doesn’t figure it out after they get knocked out of playoffs in the Frozen Four, either. Not on his own, at least.

 

He knows whatever’s going on has gotten really bad. He hasn’t cleaned his room in months. He’s stopped eating real meals. He sleeps more hours of the day than he’s awake and yet when he’s awake he constantly feels like he’s too exhausted to function. He pushes his way through his classes but he’s so lucky he was doing so well in the beginning of the semester because he’s not doing well at all anymore.

 

He’s stressed because he feels like he let his team down. He’s stressed because his grades are slipping. He’s stressed because he has absolutely no idea where he’s going to live this summer. He’s stressed because he knows by now that the second half of the spring semester always goes by way too quick and he’s got way too many things he has to figure out before it’s over.

 

The worst part of it all is that Dex doesn’t know which way to turn for help.

 

Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to figure it out. Nursey corners him early in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Dex is done classes for the day but he knows for a fact Nursey is skipping one of his. Psychology, if Dex remembers correctly. He knocks on their door and pushes his way into the room with an armload of food.

 

“You haven’t eaten a full meal in days,” he says, shoving a sandwich into Dex’s hands and guiding him to the bed.

 

Dex isn’t a fan of the way Nursey scans their room, silently judging the mess on Dex’s side. He knows it’s a disaster but he hasn’t had the motivation to do anything about it. He keeps his mouth shut, though, and eats his sandwich. When he’s done, Nursey hands him an apple and sits on the bed next to him.

 

“So what gives?” Nursey asks. “You’re not eating. You’re not cleaning the room. You look like you haven’t slept in a month but I know for a fact you went to bed early last night.”

 

Dex’s comforter is really interesting right now. There’s lint on it and everything. He should probably pick that off.

 

“Hey,” Nursey says. “Look at me.”

 

Dex looks up from his comforter and meets Nursey’s gaze. It’s too intense, he feels like he’s being put under a microscope or something.

 

“What’s going on, bro?” Nursey asks.

 

It’s the casual use of “bro” that doesn’t sit well with Dex. He and Nursey may have a better relationship going right now than they’ve had in the past, but he’s still not Nursey’s “bro.” They don’t know each other like that.

 

“Leave me the fuck alone, Nurse,” he says.

 

Nursey forces a laugh.

 

“That’s a nice way to treat the person who brought you food,” he says.

 

Dex huffs and stands. He needs something else to do. Something that isn’t talking about his feelings or whatever Nursey wants to talk about. The floor is littered with clothes and trash, that’s a good place to start.

 

Nursey is silent for a moment, Dex can feel him watching as he picks up his clothes and dumps them unceremoniously into his hamper. Then he goes back for all the trash.

 

“You missed that hoodie,” Nursey says, pointing towards Dex’s desk.

 

“I fucking know,” Dex snaps, dropping a couple water bottles into his recycling can and going back for said hoodie.

 

“Jesus, Dex,” Nursey sighs. “What the fuck crawled up your asshole and died? I’m just trying to help you out. It’s obvious something is going on, I just want to be a fucking friend.”

 

“Well you’re not!” Dex yells. “We’re not friends, Nurse. You don’t care. No one cares!”

 

Dex feels a little shame when he sees the way Nursey’s face falls at that. He’s not sure where those words are coming from. He knows they’ve been doing better. He knows they’re friends. It just doesn’t always feel like it.

 

“Of course I care, bro. A lot of people care about you. Like C and Farms and Bitty and Ransom and Holster. Your family…”

 

Dex snorts.

 

“Yeah, my family really fucking cares,” he says under his breath. “That’s why they kicked me out.”

 

The words are out before he has time to think, and the moment they leave his mouth Dex wishes he could have them back. He hears Nursey suck in a breath and feels the color immediately drain from his face. Shit.

 

“Shit.”

 

The room is silent for a moment. Neither of them move. Dex can feel his heart pounding, trying to get out of his chest.

 

“They kicked you out?” Nursey finally asks softly.

 

Dex wants to scream. He wants to yell and tell Nursey to fuck right off. He doesn’t have the right to know about this. They might be semi-friends, but they’re not friends like that. And yet… something inside of him is also screaming at him to talk. Something is begging him to finally tell someone what’s going on—the full story, not just the watered down version he told Bitty.

 

Dex takes a deep breath and then he gives in.

 

He tells Nursey everything. From growing up knowing he was different than what his parents wanted him to be, to sleeping with Liam for the first time, to telling his sister, then his mother, then his father. It takes him a little while to get through his father’s reaction and packing up his things, but Nursey is nice enough not to mention the tears that sneak down Dex’s cheeks. He talks about spending breaks at Samwell while everyone else gets to go home and how it feels to sit on his bed and look at Facebook updates with photos of everyone’s family, his own included, knowing that he’s alone. He talks about spending Christmas with the Zimmermans and he talks about how it felt to be around Ian’s family, how good it felt to be accepted by someone’s parents even if they weren’t his. Then he talks about how off he’s felt all semester—how hard it is to wake up in the mornings and how he constantly feels like he’s dragging around a hundred extra pounds. He talks about how he’s lost all motivation to do anything but lay in bed. He talks about how he feels like he’s the one who let the entire team down in the playoffs. If only he hadn’t been so wrapped up in himself, if only he’d given more, if only he’d played better. He talks about how every time he thinks about where he’s going to go this summer his chest starts to tighten up and he can’t breathe.

 

For the first time since they’ve met each other, Nursey sits and just listens. He opens a bottle of water for Dex at one point. He also gets up to grab him tissues, but he doesn’t say anything until Dex is done.

 

“I care, okay?” he says. “I know we’re not besties like Ransom and Holster or whatever, but we are teammates. And roommates. And I like to think we’re friends. I care about you and I’m here for you. I want to help you, any way I can.”

 

Dex swallows and nods. His head is pounding and he feels so emotionally drained, more so than normal. Part of his brain is laughing at him, saying there’s no possible way Nursey’s telling the truth. Because no one cares about him, that’s just a fact. But he’s pretty sure Nursey wouldn’t lie about something like this. Nursey… Nursey is his friend.

 

They have a completely different relationship after that. Where Nursey normally pokes and prods and tries to find Dex’s limits, he’s more subdued. He catches on to Dex’s good days and bad days pretty quick and figures out when to tread carefully versus when it’s cool to push Dex around a little bit. Dex pokes and prods less at Nursey, too. He also starts being more open and honest. Sometimes it’s hard to do it with his words, so he starts writing down the tough things and leaving them on Nursey’s desk. It’s not a perfect system, but they make it work.

 

As the semester is coming to a close, Dex’s stress level starts to go up immensely. He’s found someone to help carry his burdens for now, but he still has no idea where he’s going to live over the summer. He keeps running through his options over and over in his head.

 

He can’t go home. He can’t stay at Samwell. He could maybe ask Jack to stay in his Providence apartment, but that would probably be awkward. Plus he doesn’t want to inconvenience Jack, or encroach on his new life with Bitty. He can’t afford to find his own place for three months. His best option, it seems, is the offer from the Johnsons to stay with them. He’ll have to live in the same small town as his family, but at least he’ll be able to keep his job on the boats. Assuming they’re still willing to hire a gay guy who’s been kicked out of his family.

 

As things seem to be going, his dilemma is solved by none other than Derek Malik Nurse. If he wasn’t so desperate for a viable option, he would probably be embarrassed by how quickly he accepts Nursey’s offer to live with him in New York over the summer. It makes sense when Nursey puts it into words. His parents have been feeling like empty nesters, since he and his sister are away at college during the year and his sister is doing a study abroad program in Australia for the summer. They’re more than happy to add another person in the house. There’s a spare room that Dex can stay in and Nursey knows enough people around the city that he can help Dex get a new job. One that will hopefully pay more than the boats do. And the best part of the whole thing is that Dex won’t have to pay for anything besides his food.

 

If Dex spends a while sniffing into his pillow in relief before they fall asleep, Nursey doesn’t say anything. Dex is just really grateful.

 

The end of the semester comes with a whole lot of fanfare. Nursey gets named captain, which Dex is really proud of. He’s also slightly relieved, he was worried the team was going to continue the new tradition of having two captains and name him one, too. Bitty, Ollie and Wicks kiss the ice at Faber and walk across the stage at graduation. Jack comes out publicly with Bitty by his side. All on top of finals exams and registering for classes in the fall. It’s a lot to handle in a short amount of time, but they make it work.

 

When they pack up, Dex stores the majority of his things in their room and the basement. He leaves the stuff he would have kept at home, his childhood memories and the random knick knacks he threw into his truck at the end of last summer. Plus all his winter clothes, since he won’t be needing any of them. He and Nursey are able to fit all their combined stuff into Dex’s truck and soon enough they’re headed to New York.

 

Dex wasn’t completely sure what Nursey meant when he said he could get Dex a job, but it certainly wasn’t any of these options. Dex is the kind of guy who works with his hands more than his brain. He fixes things, he lifts things, he cleans things. Nursey’s options for him are viable for a normal person… they’re just not exactly what Dex was expecting.

 

The server position wouldn’t be too complicated if it wasn’t at one of the most upscale restaurants in New York City. Dex doesn’t know if he has the refinement to work in a Michelin Star restaurant, certainly not as one of the primary faces people see during their meal. He nixes that idea pretty quick.

 

The barista job is a different story. When Nursey mentions it, Dex laughs out loud. A hipster coffee shop is probably the last place he ever thought he’d work. But it does have flexible hours and the wage is way better than any other option. Dex can’t believe he’s actually considering it.

 

The final job is, again, not something Dex would have ever picked for himself. But he has to admit it’s not an awful choice. Dex has never been to a gay nightclub before, but by the way Nursey describes the establishment all he needs is a good work ethic and some level of intelligence. Plus his body, which he’s already taking care of for the hockey season. Dex isn’t above using his assets to make him a little money, so… it’s not the worst suggestion in the world.

 

He ends up talking to the managers at both the club and the coffee shop and works out a decent schedule. On week days he’ll work as much as he can at the coffee shop. On weekends he’ll work at the coffee shop from mid-morning until the evening and then he’ll work at the club at nights. Factoring in his daily workouts as well, it doesn’t leave him a whole lot of time to himself. But Dex isn’t used to having a whole lot of free time anyway.

 

The club atmosphere is certainly something he has to get used to. So is the coffee shop, but at least there he gets to keep all his clothes on. He starts as a bar back, helping the veteran bartenders keep everything organized and making sure they have what they need. He doesn’t make much in that position, but he sees the wads of cash some of the bartenders leave with when the night is over and he knows it’ll be worth it if he can make his way up. Fortunately the owner and managers really love him and soon enough he’s getting trained to be a bartender himself. During his first few shifts in his new position he doesn’t make as much money as he was hoping, but as time goes by he gets better at making drinks quickly and more efficiently, raising his sales and consequently his tips. He also learns to start flirting just a little, which helps him make more each night.

 

The balance between working at the club until the early hours of the morning and working at the coffee shop isn’t something that comes naturally to him. He’s used to a completely different sleep schedule and the city is really noisy. It takes him a while to get used to it. But just like the club atmosphere, it’s something he manages eventually.

 

The weird thing is, Dex doesn’t really see Nursey as often as he expected. He figured living together would put them in each other’s spaces often. But besides their random shared workouts and occasional weekend mornings, their paths don’t cross too much. He sees Nursey’s dads more often than he sees Nursey. Especially Malik, who works from home. Then again, Dex is hardly in the house and Nursey has his own internship with a publication company.

 

The thing Dex didn’t think about when he agreed to move to New York for the summer was how much broader his prospective hookup pool would get. It’s overwhelming, really, for a guy who grew up in small-town conservative America. But he’s certainly not complaining. Not when it’s so easy for him to slip into one of his co-worker’s beds.

 

The best part about the summer is that Dex is so busy, constantly jumping from job to job and trying to sneak in workouts and hookups when he can, that he doesn’t have time to deal with whatever was hanging over his head during the semester. Nursey asks him a couple times how he’s doing, but otherwise he barely thinks about it. He also doesn’t have any time to check up on his family, which he thinks might help.

 

Thing are, dare he say, not awful. He’s tired a lot, but that’s nothing new. He and Nursey have little arguments here and there, though it would be weird if they didn’t. But he’s making a lot more money than he normally does on the boats and he’s gained a sense of independence that he didn’t have before.

 

Almost too soon, he’s putting in his notice at work and he and Nursey are packing up his truck to head back to school. It’s senior year and Dex feels like he has no idea what’s ahead of him. It’s terrifying, but maybe he can handle it.

 

Dex’s bubble bursts just a few days after returning to campus and he comes crashing back into reality. He doesn’t know why he thought he and Nursey had become friends. They were roommates at best, hardly ever seeing each other. But now, they’re back in the same room and on similar schedules and Dex is reminded why they weren’t fans of each other in the beginning.

 

The thing is, for some reason Nursey has an issue with how often Dex hooks up. Either that or he has an issue with whom Dex hooks up with. He’s always got some comment, some demeaning or snide remark about how Dex never sleeps in the same bed twice. It hurts, really. Dex thought Nursey was cool about this stuff. But apparently he’s not.

 

So their relationship is strained. It’s rocky and tense and it’s affecting the entire team. But Dex doesn’t know how to fix it. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. He starts by spending the nights he does sleep in the Haus on Chowder’s floor instead of in his own bed. It doesn’t solve anything, but it makes everything a little less stressed.

 

For what it’s worth, his classes are a lot easier this semester than they were in the spring. Then again, Dex reminds himself that last semester started out really well, too. He makes it work, though.

 

As Dex’s life seems to be going, he isn’t the one who eventually breaks the tension and starts a conversation with Nursey about what’s going on between them. Chowder is the one who finally steps in, during their season kickoff kegster right before Thanksgiving weekend. He gets them both absolutely wasted and then shoves them in their room together, telling them they aren’t allowed to come out until they’ve solved their shit. Goalie’s orders.

 

“Whatever,” Dex huffs when the door closes. He sits on his bed, the first time in a while, and brings his knees up to his chest. “I’m not the one that has the problem.”

 

He glares at Nursey, who’s definitely more drunk than he is.

 

“Oh, so I’m the one with the problem?” he asks.

 

“Yeah,” Dex says. “You’re the one who has the problem.”

 

Nursey makes a face and trips over their rug. He falls into his desk chair and stays there.

 

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m the one that has the problem.”

 

Dex’s eyebrows raise at the admission. If he wasn’t so drunk he would probably think through his words, but instead he says what’s on his mind.

 

“So what’s your problem?” he asks. “Why are you always pissy about me sleeping around? I didn’t think you were homophobic, Nurse.”

 

Nursey snorts a laugh but he doesn’t smile.

 

“Homophobic,” he says sullenly. “That’s funny, you think I’m homophobic.”

 

“Well why else would you have such a problem with who I sleep with?” Dex asks. “You’re always so encouraging to Tango and Fozzy when they’re hooking up with girls. Your only problem is with me. With me sleeping with guys.”

 

Nursey’s face changes suddenly. It softens and gets more serious.

 

“Yeah,” he says. “My problem is just with you.”

 

Dex feels like the alcohol in his stomach is going to come back up. He thought Nursey was different. Why else would he have helped him out last semester? Why else would he have taken Dex in over the summer? He thought Nursey was different than his family, but apparently not. Dex is going to throw up.

 

“My problem is with you, but it’s not with you sleeping with guys,” Nursey says, staring at their ceiling fan. “My problem is that you sleep with any and every guy you can, but you won’t sleep with me.”

 

Now Dex really feels like he’s going to throw up. Is Nursey saying what he thinks he’s saying? He can’t possibly be saying what Dex thinks he’s saying.

 

“Every time...” Nursey drawls, still staring at the ceiling fan. “Every time you sleep with someone I think… it should be me.”

 

They’re both silent for a moment. Despite how much alcohol is in his system, Dex feels like he’s never been more sober. Nursey is definitely saying what he thinks he’s saying.

 

“It should be me,” Nursey whispers.

 

Dex swallows the bile rising in his throat and stares at the doorknob for a moment. He never knew Nursey felt this way about him, it’s a shock. He always figured he’d just have to get over his little crush on his own and move on with someone else. But if Nursey is really interested, even just for sex…

 

“Nursey?” he asks. He gets no response. “Hey.”

 

Dex turns his head to look at Nursey and finds him slumped over in the chair, eyes closed and mouth open. It shouldn’t be attractive, and yet now that Dex knows Nursey’s interested he lets himself admit that yeah, it is.

 

Nursey lets out a soft snore and Dex shakes his head. He stumbles off the bed and crosses the short distance between them. It’s not easy to maneuver Nursey into the bed, especially trying to get his shoes and jeans off with Nursey completely passed out. But he manages to make it work and soon enough Nursey is sleeping peacefully on his side on Dex’s bunk.

 

Dex changes quietly into a pair of sweats and makes the decision to sleep on Chowder’s floor for the night. The doors between the bathroom are both open, so it’s easy to sneak through and collapse onto the beanbag chair.

 

Dex pretends not to hear Chowder’s discontented sigh when he comes into the room a few hours later. He’s half asleep, still slightly drunk, and really doesn’t feel like explaining anything right now.

 

The next morning, the entire Haus is hungover. It’s no surprise and they have a post-kegster brunch cooking in no time. Nursey seems to have the worst of it out of everyone, but Tango isn’t too far behind him.

 

“Sorry to whoever had to deal with me last night,” Nursey says once he has some calories in his stomach and a cup of coffee half-way drained.

 

“You… do you remember anything?” Chowder asks, not-so-subtly eyeing Dex.

 

“Bits and pieces here and there?” Nursey asks more than says. “But not really anything after Tango and I got our asses handed to us at beer pong by those field hockey girls.”

 

“They duped us,” Tango mutters seriously into his pancakes. “Totally got hustled.”

 

Chowder eyes Dex again and manages to look even more like someone kicked his dog. Dex would try to explain to him what happened, but truthfully he isn’t even sure everything he remembers was real. The pounding in his skull isn’t doing much to help him remember, either.

 

So Dex doesn’t say anything. He writes it off as a mistake. Nursey was so drunk, he must not have known who he was talking to or what he was talking about. But unfortunately, as much as he tries to forget about it, their conversation just won’t leave Dex’s brain.

 

Those four words, “it should be me,” are all he thinks about for the next three weeks: through Thanksgiving and the end of classes and finals and even after everyone leaves for winter break. As he’s sitting alone in the kitchen waiting for a pot of water to boil so he can make himself dinner, the Haus quiet the way it only is when the entire school is gone, those words are still running through his brain.

 

Staying at Samwell during school breaks is starting to get easier for Dex. It’s almost starting to feel normal, despite how empty the campus gets and how lonely the Haus sometimes feels. He makes it work, though. Most of his hours are spent in the bookstore stocking up for the upcoming semester any way. But still, something just doesn’t feel right. Something is missing. Well, more like someone.

 

Dex decides to make the drive to New York when Nursey tells the group chat he decided to stay home for Christmas instead of joining his parents on their trip to Sanford to visit his sister. Nursey doesn’t explain why, and Dex doesn’t really need one. He just knows how it feels to spend Christmas alone when you’re expecting to be with the ones you love.

 

The drive is an absolute bitch. Dex, the moron, not only decides to travel on Christmas Eve but also doesn’t time his drive right and ends up getting into New York at rush hour. By the time he’s pulling into one of the spots in the parking garage across the street from Nursey’s house, he feels ready to smash his head in his fucking truck’s door.

 

It’s all worth it, though, for the way Nursey’s entire face lights up when he opens the door and sees Dex standing there.

 

“I need a shower and something to eat and damn it I need to get out of these jeans,” Dex grumbles, pushing his way through the door.

 

“What are you doing here?” Nursey asks, following Dex as he makes his way to the guest room he’s started to think of as his own.

 

“Spending Christmas alone is fucking awful,” Dex answers.

 

“I’m doing it by choice, though,” Nursey says.

 

“Who said this was about you?” Dex asks, though he lets a smirk cross his face so Nursey knows he’s not serious.

 

Nursey smiles softly at him and Dex pulls a pair of sweats and a threadbare shirt out of his bag.

 

“I’ll grab you a fresh towel,” Nursey says. “Then I can order from that pizza place down the street?”

 

Dex hums and starts to tug off his shoes.

 

“I’ve actually been craving that Indian place,” he says.

 

Nursey smiles and disappears into the hallway. He comes back a moment later with a towel and chucks it at Dex’s head.

 

“Don’t use up all the hot water,” he warns.

 

The shower feels fucking amazing—and he doesn’t use up all the hot water, thank you very much, Nursey. What’s even more amazing is slipping into his comfy clothes and finding Nursey in the den, takeout boxes spread out across the table and Futurama already cued up on Netflix. He lets out a relaxed sigh as he melts into the couch and accepts the beer Nursey holds out for him.

 

“Traffic must have been shit,” Nursey says, digging into the chicken vindaloo.

 

Dex just grunts and shovels a bite of korma into his mouth.

 

Nursey nods, hits play on the tv, and focuses on his dinner. When they’re both done eating, Nursey pulls Dex’s feet into his lap and presses his thumb into one of the sensitive arches. Dex moans and Nursey continues until the episode is over and Dex gets up to grab them another round of beers.

 

When he comes back he sits a little closer to Nursey, who puts his arm around the back of the couch and shifts a little closer to the middle as well. The new position makes Dex fall a little into Nursey’s body, but Nursey doesn’t say anything so neither does Dex. It feels good, Nursey is warm and his sweatshirt is soft on Dex’s temple.

 

When the episode is over Nursey gets up to get them another beer and bottles of water. The warmth of the couch and the comfort he feels here in the Nurse household knocks down a couple of the walls he’s built up and by the time Nursey gets back, Dex has made up his mind to ask about the one thing that he still hasn’t been able to forget.

 

“Hey, so…”

 

Nursey passes him a beer and raises his eyebrows, encouraging Dex to continue.

 

“You remember that kegster?” Dex asks.

 

“I remember a lot of kegsters,” Nursey snorts. “And I don’t remember a lot of them. Which one are we talking about?”

 

Dex takes a swig of his new beer and starts picking at the label.

 

“The Thanksgiving one,” he says. “When you and Tango got beat by the field hockey girls at beer pong.”

 

“They totally played us,” Nursey says, nodding his head.

 

“Yeah, well.”

 

Dex swallows and starts to peel the label completely off the bottle. Nursey nudges him in the side with his elbow and Dex knows he has to continue.

 

“Chowder got sick of us always having so much tension,” Dex explains. “So at the end of the night he locked us in our room and told us we couldn’t come out until we fixed things. Do you remember any of that?”

 

Nursey’s eyebrows pinch together in thought, but he shakes his head no. Dex sighs, knowing he’s going to have to explain everything and this could get really awkward really quick.

 

“We were better after that, though,” Nursey says. “I couldn’t remember why, but I know we were better after that.”

 

“Yeah,” Dex says. “We were better after that because I stopped hooking up with people.”

 

“Why did you stop hooking up after that?” Nursey asks.

 

“Because you told me something that night that I haven’t been able to get out of my head,” Dex admits. “You, um… you said you had a problem with me hooking up with guys.”

 

“Fuck,” Nursey whispers to himself. “Dex, man. I’m not homophobic I swear. I don’t care that you hook up with guys, I—”

 

Dex stops him with a hand on his arm.

 

“I know,” Dex assures him. “You told me that already, too.”

 

“So…”

 

“Right before you passed out, you told me… you said something that I haven’t been able to forget. And I don’t know if you only said it because you were drunk and didn’t know what you were saying or who you were saying it to, but I want to… get it out there.”

 

Dex takes a breath and Nursey squints at him.

 

“What did I say?” he asks cautiously.

 

“You said… you said you had a problem with me hooking up with so many guys because I wasn’t sleeping with you,” Dex says.

 

Nursey sucks in a breath and pulls away a little from Dex’s grip.

 

“Look,” Dex rushes on. “I know you were drunk. I know you probably didn’t mean it. But I just… I have to know for sure. I think I need to hear you say you didn’t mean it. Because otherwise, I will never be able to get over the thought of being with you.”

 

Nursey is silent for a moment and Dex can’t make his finger stop twitching against his thigh.

 

“Do you want to be with me?” Nursey asks.

 

Dex bites his lip and thinks for a second before responding.

 

“I’m not sure,” he says. “I think so. But it could be complicated and… I’m not even sure if you meant it.”

 

He furrows his own brow and looks at Nursey, hoping that he looks as desperate for an answer as he feels. He doesn’t think he can be strung along or anything.

 

“I think…”

 

Nursey pauses and carefully grabs both of their beers out of their hands. He places them on the table and turns to face Dex.

 

“I know I meant it,” he says. “And I think I want to be with you, too.”

 

Dex doesn’t know who moves first, but the next thing he knows their lips are meeting and Nursey has a hand in his hair and it feels so good. It feels so right. Nursey is easy to push backwards and easy to climb on. His mouth is so warm, so inviting, and so perfect. He tastes like chicken vindaloo mixed with Dogfish Head beer and the blue raspberry chapstick that Chowder bought him when the air started to get colder and his lips started always being chapped. Dex has never tasted anything so good in his life.

 

His body feels amazing beneath Dex’s, thighs thick and torso sturdy. Biceps strong enough that he could definitely hold Dex up against a wall if he wanted. And yeah, Dex has totally thought about that before.

 

He’s easy to settle into and kissing him feels more natural than anyone Dex has ever kissed before. It feels like they could do this forever.

 

Nursey moves a hand up the back of Dex’s hoodie and lets it rest firmly between his shoulder blades. Dex is into it—he’s so into it. But he’s also so tired. He reluctantly breaks their lips apart.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m just so tired I don’t think—”

 

Nursey cuts him off with a chaste kiss.

 

“It’s okay, babe,” he says. “I understand.”

 

Dex sighs and rests his head in the crook of Nursey’s neck.

 

“Let’s go to bed,” Nursey suggests. “We can put on another episode and cuddle for real this time. And maybe if you want we can pick this up in the morning.”

 

“That sounds amazing,” Dex agrees.

 

They clean everything up, including chugging the end of their beers, strip to their boxers, and crawl simultaneously into Nursey’s bed. Dex kisses Nursey again once they’re settled, simply because he can, and before the opening song is even over, he’s out like a light.

 

The next morning, Dex wakes up slowly to the feel of lips lightly leaving kisses along his neck and shoulders. He hums happily and presses back into the warm body behind him.

 

“Morning,” Nursey grumbles, voice still rough from sleep.

 

Dex opens his eyes and turns to lie on his back.

 

“Morning, gorgeous,” he says.

 

Nursey blushes just a bit and leans in to give Dex a long, slow kiss.

 

“Gross,” Dex says with a laugh when he pulls back. “Morning breath.”

 

Nursey chuckles and snuggles a little closer.

 

“Merry Christmas,” he says.

 

“Merry Christmas,” Dex responds.

 

“I have to call my family around four,” Nursey says. “Other than that, we’ve got the whole day.”

 

Dex smirks and blatantly runs his eyes up and down Nursey’s exposed chest.

 

“I know a few things we can do in that time,” he says.

 

Nursey wiggles his eyebrows and leans in for another kiss, but Dex stops him on the way.

 

“But we gotta brush our teeth first,” he says.

 

Nursey pouts, but he agrees and together they crawl out from under the warm sheets. Dex heads to the bathroom first to pee and brush his teeth. While he’s there, he checks himself out in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. He’s looking a little paler than he has in the past, but he really hopes Nursey still likes the way he looks.

 

When he’s done he passes Nursey in the hallway and takes the water bottles and granola bars out of his hands. Nursey heads into the bathroom and Dex takes the stuff back to Nursey’s room. Nursey joins him a few moments later and, for some reason, Dex’s heart rate starts to pick up. He doesn’t know why he feels nervous, he’s done this plenty of times before. But for some reason this feels more special than the others. Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas morning. Most likely it’s because it’s Nursey. But whatever it is, Dex feels like there are a million butterflies in his stomach fighting to get out.

 

Nursey’s mouth is just as amazing as it was the night before. It’s just as warm, it’s just as inviting, and it tastes like fresh, minty toothpaste. His body is even warmer to press up against, beneath the sheets and away from the morning chill.

 

There’s no hesitation in their kiss, it’s clear from the start that it’s meant to lead to more. And yet neither of them seem to mind taking their time, getting to know each other’s mouths. Dex may have kissed a lot of boys, but none of them have come even close to kissing like Nursey.

 

When Nursey pushes, Dex goes easily onto his back. His legs spread and Nursey settles between them like this is the only place he’s ever meant to be. Nursey grinds down and Dex swears he sees stars.

 

“God, I want to taste you,” Nursey moans into Dex’s ear.

 

Dex shivers and bites down on the patch of skin beneath his lips, right over the pulse point in Nursey’s neck.

 

“Yeah?” Nursey asks, pulling back and reaching for the band of Dex’s boxers.

 

“Please,” Dex says.

 

Nursey pulls them down easily and Dex spreads his legs farther to give Nursey a good view. Nursey hitches Dex’s legs up over his shoulders, leaning down to bite into the soft flesh of Dex’s inner thigh.

 

“Fuck,” Dex gasps. “C’mon.”

 

Dex is expecting Nursey’s mouth on the tip of his dick. He’s expecting Nursey’s tongue or his lips. He’s even expecting Nursey to be a tease, to be honest. What he’s not expecting is the feel of Nursey’s lips farther back. He’s not expecting the feel of Nursey’s stubble between his cheeks. He’s really not expecting Nursey’s tongue against his hole.

 

Dex squeaks at the first lick and instinctively clenches his abs. He reaches for his legs and pulls them back to give Nursey better access.

 

“Still yeah?” Nursey asks, peering up between Dex’s legs.

 

“Yeah,” Dex answers breathlessly.

 

Nursey smirks and leans back in.

 

Once Dex’s hole is spit-soaked and slightly stretched and his ass is fully covered in beard burn, Nursey pulls back and comes up for a kiss.

 

“I need to blow you,” Dex says between kisses.

 

“Shit,” Nursey whispers.

 

They work together to get Nursey’s boxers off and Dex flips them so Nursey is now the one laying down and Dex has the advantage. Nursey isn’t easy to swallow down. He’s on the longer end of the size scale of what Dex has experienced before, and it’s been a little while since Dex has really blown anyone. He takes his time, though, working up from just the tip to getting most of Nursey’s dick in his mouth, pressing into the back of his throat. Nursey’s hands thread into his hair and Dex lets him pull and tug.

 

As he’s sucking on Nursey’s dick, he takes the bottle of lube out of Nursey’s hands and slicks up a couple fingers. He’d absolutely love to let Nursey do this part, feel his long, thick fingers spreading him apart. But he doesn’t have the patience and knows he can get himself ready quicker on his own.

 

“How do you want to do this?” he asks when he feels loose enough.

 

Dex looks up at Nursey’s face and blushes at how completely wrecked he already looks just from having Dex’s mouth on his dick. Nursey takes a couple deep breaths and opens his eyes. His pupils are blown wide and his eyelids flutter shut a few times.

 

“However you want,” he says.

 

“Babe, you gotta make the decision. Do you want me to ride you? Want to fuck me on my hands and knees? Or face to face?” Dex asks.

 

“Shit,” Nursey whispers. “I’m so not going to last if you ride me.”

 

“So hands and knees or face to face?” Dex asks.

 

Nursey sits up and hauls Dex’s face in for a fiery kiss. He flips them around softly and lays Dex down on his back, spreading his legs apart.

 

“Like this,” he says.

 

“Okay,” Dex answers, running a hand down Nursey’s torso, already glistening with a thin layer of sweat.

 

Nursey reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a condom. He tears it open and gently rolls it on. He adds a coating of lube and positions himself at Dex’s entrance.

 

“Still yes?” he asks.

 

“Fuck yes,” Dex says.

 

Nursey smiles, leans in for a kiss, and presses in.

 

“Shit,” Dex gasps. “Fuck. Shit.”

 

“Yeah?” Nursey grimaces.

 

“Fuck yes,” Dex moans.

 

Nursey groans as he slowly moves in and out, pressing deeper with each thrust. Dex opens up for him easily, though it’s definitely a stretch he’ll be feeling later. It takes a while, but eventually his thighs meet Dex’s ass and Dex lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

 

“Babe,” Nursey moans. “You feel so good.”

 

“Need—” Dex chokes on a gasp as Nursey thrusts experimentally. “Need more.”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees.

 

Nursey presses himself up on his arms and shuffles his legs into a more braced position. The new angle has Dex seeing stars and he can’t hold back the gasps and moans and curses that force their way out of his throat. He isn’t surprised Nursey fucks the way he plays on the ice, all precision and determination and intensity. It’s a thrill to be his partner on the ice and it’s just as much of a thrill to be his partner in bed.

 

“Not gonna last,” Nursey pants into Dex’s mouth.

 

“Gimme your hand,” Dex asks.

 

Nursey spreads his own legs wider and sits back on them. He grips Dex’s hip with his right hand and wraps his left around Dex’s dick, stroking him in time with his thrusts.

 

“Fuck,” Dex whines.

 

Nursey comes first with a punched-out moan that is so gorgeous it has Dex following him and coming all over his own stomach and Nursey’s hand. Nursey drops to his elbows on top of Dex and breathes heavily into Dex’s collar bone for a minute. Dex’s mind feels fuzzy, he doesn’t think he’s ever had an orgasm that felt that good before. And he’s had a lot of orgasms.

 

“Wow,” he manages to say as Nursey carefully pulls out of him and starts working on tying the condom.

 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees, flopping on the bed next to Dex.

 

“I’m a mess,” Dex states.

 

“Same,” Nursey says. He pauses while he snuggles up into Dex’s side. “Cuddle with me a little bit and then we’ll shower together.”

 

“To save water?” Dex teases just a bit.

 

“Gotta be environmentally conscious,” Nursey says with conviction.

 

They both look at each other, trying not to laugh. But it doesn’t last. They burst into snickers at the same time.

 

“This isn’t going to change anything, right?” Nursey asks once they’ve stopped laughing.

 

“I hope it changes everything,” Dex admits.

 

Nursey lifts his head and looks at Dex, eyebrows pinched together in confusion.

 

“I don’t like just being your friend,” he says. “I don’t want to just be your friend.”

 

“You want to be my boyfriend?” Nursey asks.

 

“Yeah,” Dex says softly. “I really do.”

 

The end up making out for a little while, until Dex tries to shift closer to Nursey and remembers he’s currently a mess and really needs to shower.

 

“Hey,” Dex says later, once they’ve showered and are cuddled on the couch eating cereal. “I almost forgot, I brought you a present.”

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Nursey says, though the way his eyes light up tells Dex he’s excited to be getting a present.

 

“Well I did anyway,” Dex says. “I’ll get it next time I get up, don’t let me forget.”

 

Nursey smiles and scoots a little closer to Dex’s side.

 

“Border Wars?” he asks, pulling up Netflix.

 

“We finished Canada, right?” Dex asks.

 

“Yeah, I have Australia cued up.”

 

They get through three episodes before Nursey has to get up to use the bathroom. Dex uses the break to run to the guest room and grab the gift he tucked into his bag before leaving school.

 

“I didn’t wrap it,” he admits, handing over the brown paper bag.

 

“It’s already way more than what I got you,” Nursey says guiltily, running his hand down the flat side of the gift.

 

“It was nothing,” Dex says with a shrug. “Just open it and then say thank you and let it go.”

 

Nursey is careful as he unsticks the tape holding the bag shut. He takes the gift out and starts unwrapping the newspaper covering it. His eyes light up when he realizes what it is.

 

“I found it in that thrift shop on the other side of campus,” Dex says as Nursey turns the journal over in his hands. “It was actually made during the Great Depression out of all recycled materials. I don’t know how it’s gone this long without being used, but I saw it and I thought… this is something Nursey would love. So I bought it.”

 

Nursey opens the velvet binding and thumbs through the heavy paper. He runs his fingers along the spine and shakes his head.

 

“This is gorgeous,” he says. “I love it.”

 

“Like I said, I saw it and thought… Nursey,” Dex says.

 

“Thank you,” Nursey whispers.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

Nursey huffs a laugh and puts the journal carefully on the table.

 

“Now I really feel like shit for not getting you anything,” he says.

 

“Don’t,” Dex assures him. “You didn’t even know I was coming. I just showed up.”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees, nodding his head. “But still.”

 

“Just write something good in it, okay?” Dex asks. “Add your history to the journal’s history and write something beautiful. That’s all I want.”

 

Nursey leans in and captures Dex’s lips in a kiss in response. He places his hand on the back of Dex’s neck and holds him there for a moment, just nuzzling their noses together and occasionally pressing their lips together.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The rest of the day passes without much fanfare. They didn’t have anything special planned originally, and neither of them feel like making new plans on Christmas day. Nursey calls and talks to his family for a little while, which goes well. Especially after he tells them Dex came to visit and is now his boyfriend. For the rest of the day after that, they snuggle into the couch and then Nursey’s bed and binge as many shows as they can.

 

The next day, Nursey decides they’ve had enough of laying around and not doing anything. He drags Dex out of the house and into the city for some sightseeing.

 

“But you hate being in the city at this time of year,” Dex protests. “You always complain about the tourists.”

 

“Yeah but that’s mostly because I’ve never had someone special to share this with,” Nursey argues. “Now that I have someone to kiss whenever I want…”

 

He makes his point by pulling Dex into an open-mouthed kiss right there on the street and Dex absolutely loves it.

 

Nursey takes him to all the cheesy New York City things, like the 5th Avenue window displays and the rink in Central Park. They pass by where the Rockettes perform and Nursey takes a selfie of them kissing in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center.

 

Dex is so happy, happier than he’s probably ever been, that he doesn’t even care that Nursey posts it to Facebook and tags him. Nothing can tear him down right now. Let his family see the photo of him kissing a boy. Let them read Nursey’s caption and realize they’re dating. Dex doesn’t care.

 

They have to field about a hundred phone calls from their teammates and former teammates when they get back to Nursey’s confirming that yes, the kiss and the caption were serious and yes, they are now dating. But the little annoyance is all worth it every time Dex gets to call Nursey his boyfriend. His wonderful, amazing, gorgeous boyfriend.

 

Dex reluctantly has to leave the next morning to head back to school. He was lucky he managed to get as much time off from work as he did, but the bookstore can’t run itself and Dex is one of the only employees who sticks around for the break. It’s hard to part ways and they end up spending almost an hour standing at Dex’s truck, kissing and trying to say goodbye but eventually falling back into each other’s arms.

 

The drive back to Samwell is worse than the drive to New York. It takes less time than he expected and, really, traffic isn’t that bad. But Dex keeps thinking about how he could be lying in Nursey’s bed right now, watching tv and making out and maybe even getting laid. He almost turns around four times in the first hour and a half.

 

He calls Nursey when he gets back to campus, as he’s dumping the clothes out of his bag and gathering a small load of laundry. The Haus is so quiet if he doesn’t busy himself now, he might actually get back in the car and drive back.

 

“I miss you already,” Nursey says in lieu of a greeting.

 

“I missed you the second I turned the corner,” Dex answers.

 

Dex hears Nursey pause whatever show he’s watching and shuffle around in what sounds like his bed.

 

“I always knew you were a sap, Poindexter,” he says.

 

“Yeah, well…”

 

Dex can feel himself blush, but he doesn’t care. This is one thing he’ll accept about himself. He’s a romantic at heart and he’s finally got a good boyfriend to show it to.

 

“I’ll see you soon, yeah?” Nursey says. “I’ll be back one week from today.”

 

Dex huffs and shuts the washer door.

 

“That’s so far away,” he complains.

 

It turns out, one week doesn’t feel as long as he thinks when Dex is extremely busy working at the bookstore. The place has to get ready for the upcoming semester, and since he was gone for a few days nothing really got done. Cases of books are stacked up in the loading dock and supplies haven’t been counted or organized at all. He’s not sure why anyone else even bothers saying they work here when they don’t actually do anything. He has to put in overtime every day just to get everything done.

 

The good thing about how hard he works is the higher-ups in the store notice how much he’s doing and decide to make him a shift supervisor, which comes with a small raise. The bad thing about how hard he works is that he spends all his time at the store, leaving almost no time to himself. He barely manages to even pull himself out of bed early in the mornings to get to the gym like the coaches want, and he doesn’t manage to get on the ice at all.

 

But soon enough his hard work pays off and the store is ready. It looks better than it ever has, if Dex is being honest. It’s clean and reorganized and everything has a home that actually makes sense. The books are all grouped by subject and then again by course number, so everything is easy to find. The additional supplies like lab goggles and scale rulers are right across from their respective subjects, instead of across the store like they used to be. He’s pretty proud of it.

 

Ford is the first person back to the Haus. Dex helps her bring the new futon her parents bought her up to the attic and by the time they’ve got it set up Tango has arrived, throwing a casual greeting as he passes by the attic door on his way to his room.

 

Dex is anxious for the text he’s been waiting for all day. It feels like it takes forever, but it finally comes.

 

“2 minutes,” it says.

 

He’s down the stairs and out the door just in time for Nursey’s dads’ car to pull up to the curb.

 

“Baby,” he mutters as Nursey opens the door and flings himself into Dex’s arms.

 

“Missed you,” Nursey says into Dex’s shoulder.

 

“It’s only been a week,” Dex teases, though he holds onto Nursey’s jacket a little tighter than normal.

 

Nursey pulls back and tries to give Dex a glare, but he fails. He gives Dex a kiss instead.

 

“Hi,” Dex says softly.

 

“Hey,” Nursey responds.

 

Dex ends up talking to Malik and Kentaro while Nursey takes his bags up to their room. Kentaro Fujiyama is possibly one of the nicest men Dex has ever met in his entire life. It’s obvious to see where Nursey got his giant heart and “chill” mentality. His job as the head of cardiology at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley-Komansky Children’s Hospital allows him the financial stability and schedule flexibility to live the life he and Malik enjoy living.

 

While Dex chats away with him, Malik doesn’t say much. Dex is definitely expecting a shovel talk, but he’s surprised it never comes. Instead, Malik only asks about Dex’s break, mostly what he did when he wasn’t in New York.

 

When Nursey comes back outside, Dex invites them in for some of the pie Bitty shipped to the Haus for the team. They turn it down, though, citing the long drive home. They give Nursey a long hug before they leave and follow it up with hugs for Dex, too.

 

“Have a good semester,” Kentaro says kindly as he climbs into the car.

 

Nursey and Dex spend the evening orbiting each other, both clearly wanting to be physically close but not wanting to incite the wrath of the sin bin fines. They manage to make it all the way through the evening with the team but as soon as they’re in the privacy of their own room, Dex is melting into Nursey’s arms like they haven’t seen each other in years.

 

“My bunk?” Dex asks, kissing the tip of Nursey’s nose.

 

“Yeah,” Nursey says. “I don’t feel like climbing up tonight.”

 

They undress and get ready for bed efficiently. Snuggling two large, hockey-player bodies into one bunk bed isn’t easy, but they manage to make it work. They certainly don’t mind getting close enough to fit. It’s good, Dex is happy. He’s actually really, really good.

 

A few weeks later, Dex is not good. Dex is really, really not good. The heavy feeling from before is back.

 

Dex knows Nursey can tell something is wrong. He also knows Nursey knows about when it happened before. All he probably has to do is speak up, say something and tell Nursey what’s going on. But every time he tries he can’t make his mouth work the way he wants it to. He tries to say one thing and something completely different comes tumbling out. Dex is starting to get really frustrated.

 

It gets to a point where he’s saying and doing things he doesn’t even mean to do and he doesn’t know how to make it all stop. The worst part is, he knows some of the things he’s saying is starting to hurt Nursey.

 

Dex really doesn’t want to, but he knows there’s only one thing he can do that can protect Nursey from the nuclear bomb he fears he’s starting to become.

 

He does it on a Sunday morning. They had away games at Princeton the two days before and got in late the previous night, so when they wake up the Haus is still quiet.

 

Nursey doesn’t take being broken up with as well as Dex hoped he would. Especially since it’s only been about a month since they got together. But Dex stands his ground and firmly declares that this is the best thing for both of them. He’s not actually sure if this is the best thing for him, but at least he knows it’s the best thing for Nursey. And that’s all that really matters.

 

Dex manages to pick up a shift and spends the rest of the day at the bookstore, away from the Haus and, more importantly, away from Nursey. When the day is over, he spends the night sleeping on the couch. He doesn’t want to encroach on Nursey’s space.

 

Dex goes through the following week like a zombie. He knows he goes to classes and practices and eats meals, but nothing really seems to sink in. He’s just going through the motions at this point.

 

Thursday afternoon finds him working at the bookstore again, alone this time besides a sophomore girl, Amelia, he helped hire at the beginning of the semester. They’ve just received a new shipment of notebooks and Dex is trying to get them unpacked and stocked before the end of the day when his hand slips and his box cutter goes straight into his palm.

 

The weird thing is it’s the first time Dex has felt anything in almost a week. The pain is sharp and intense, but doesn’t last very long.

 

“Shit,” he mutters, grasping for one of the napkins from Amelia’s lunch and pressing it to his hand.

 

He manages to control the bleeding for the most part, but he doesn’t think it’s going to heal on its own. He has Amelia grab his phone and call the team’s athletic trainer for him.

 

“Hey, Bagel,” Dex says simply when he answers the phone. “Hypothetically speaking, how big does a cut have to be to require stitches?”

 

Jason Beagle sighs and Dex can hear the sound of rustling papers on the other end.

 

“Is it life threatening?” he asks.

 

“I don’t think so,” Dex says.

 

Amelia brings him a wad of paper towels from the bathroom and Dex gives her a thankful smile as he replaces the napkins.

 

“Can you make it to Faber? I’m still here,” he says.

 

“Uh…”

 

“Go,” Amelia whispers. “I can handle this place on my own.”

 

“Yeah,” Dex answers, already composing a text to the other managers in his head. “I can walk over now.”

 

“See you soon.”

 

Amelia grabs his bag and helps him sling it over his shoulder and then ushers him out the door. He fires off a quick text to the other managers asking one of them to cover for him and makes the short walk to Faber.

 

Like he feared, the cut is too big to heal on its own. Bagel says Campus Health will be able to take care of it with no problem. He even offers to give him a ride, too, since it’s on the other side of campus. When he gets there, Bagel helps him fill out the necessary paperwork and then tells him to let him know what happens.

 

Bagel is gone for about five minutes when the door opens again and Nursey comes rushing through. He takes the seat next to Dex and reaches over to look at his hand. It’s the first time they’ve touched since they broke up and Dex wants nothing more than to tuck his face into Nursey’s shirt and be comforted.

 

“What are you doing here?” he asks instead.

 

“Bagel texted and said he was bringing you here,” Nursey answers. “I didn’t want you to be alone.”

 

Dex starts to say something in response but shuts his mouth quickly instead. He doesn’t trust what might come out of it. He’s fortunate enough that he doesn’t have to fill any extra silence, since the woman at the front desk steals the moment and calls him back into an exam room.

 

Nursey holds his good hand through the numbing shot and the six stitches. He also holds on to the extra gauze they give him, picks up Dex’s backpack off the floor, and offers to text Bagel for him. Dex’s heart hurts. He really misses Nursey.

 

They’re quiet on the walk back to the Haus. They’re quiet when they get inside and quiet as they make their way up to their room. They’re quiet as Nursey puts Dex’s books away exactly where Dex likes them to go and then puts the gauze away in their bathroom.

 

Dex is quiet as he sits on the bed. He’s quiet—until he’s not.

 

He’s felt the emotions building up for a while now, since at least the moment when the box cutter sliced through his hand, but probably for a couple weeks now if he’s being completely honest. The sob escapes before he even realizes it’s coming.

 

Nursey looks over at him, startled, and Dex tried to hold everything in but he can’t. He just can’t. His chest heaves and the façade he’s been carrying around crumbles.

 

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, grabbing his pillow and clutching it to his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Dex, it’s—” Nursey says softly.

 

“No,” Dex interrupts. “Don’t tell me it’s okay. It’s not okay. I fucked up.”

 

Nursey takes a couple timid steps and sits on the edge of Dex’s bed.

 

“I fucked up,” Dex says again. “I fucked up with my hand. I fucked up with you. I fucked up with my family. I’m fucking up in my classes. I’ve fucked everything up and I keep fucking things up and I can’t even control any of it."

 

He scoots closer to Nursey, closing the distance and throwing his face into Nursey’s shoulder.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he sobs. “I think I love you and I ruined everything and you deserve so much better than me and I’m sorry.”

 

Nursey slowly wraps his arms around Dex’s torso and shuffles them back farther on the bed. They end up leaning on the headboard, Dex wrapped up in Nursey’s arms. He hushes Dex and starts to rock him, encouraging Dex to let it all out. Dex cries and cries and cries until his eyes hurt and he’s got a headache.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dex says softly once he’s all cried-out. “I know this is probably the last thing you want to be doing right now.”

 

“It’ll be okay,” Nursey says.

 

Nursey manages to reach over to his own desk and grab his box of tissues. He pulls a couple out and hands them over so Dex can wipe his eyes and face.

 

“I—” Dex starts, but doesn’t really know how he wants to say what’s on his mind. “I think something is really wrong with me.”

 

Nursey runs his hand through Dex’s hair and hums a bit.

 

“You think you need to talk to someone?” he asks. “Like a doctor?”

 

“Probably,” Dex answers.

 

“I can help you with that.”

 

Dex stares at the area on the bottom of Nursey’s bed right above him, the place where Lardo drew a little duck the last time she visited them.

 

“Why?” he asks. “Why do you want to help me?”

 

Nursey presses his lips to the top of Dex’s forehead and a stray tear squeezes its way out of the corner of Dex’s eye.

 

“Because I think I love you, too,” Nursey says.

 

“I miss you,” Dex blurts out. “I made a huge mistake and now I miss everything about you.”

 

Nursey is silent for a moment, his fingers drawing patterns on Dex’s arm.

 

“Why did you do it?” he asks, and Dex can hear the pain in his voice. “Why did you break up with me?”

 

Dex swallows and tries to sit up. It’s difficult, with the stitches in his hand, but he manages with Nursey’s help. He probably can’t manage anything without Nursey’s help.

 

“I’m really messed up,” he says. “And you deserve better than me. I know the things I’ve been saying and doing lately have been hurting you. I—I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

 

Nursey sits up and takes Dex’s hand in his. He traces the edge of the gauze with his finger.

 

“In a weird way, I think I understand,” he says. “But you hurt me more by pulling away and part of me is still healing.”

 

“Can we try again?” Dex asks. “I don’t deserve another chance, I know that. But I’d really like one.”

 

Nursey pulls his eyes up from Dex’s hand and trains them on his face instead. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Then he leans in and presses his forehead against Dex’s.

 

“I want… I want to be with you.” He pauses, closing his eyes for a second. “But I think there are some things you need to figure out before we jump back into what we were.”

 

“Oh,” Dex says, his heart falling just a little.

 

Nursey pulls his face back, but still holds on to Dex’s hand.

 

“I think we can try. I’ll be here for you and help you through everything. But I think we need to take the physical stuff slowly. Maybe work on us first, and fix the issues we’ve got before adding anything else back in. Does that sound okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Dex agrees. “Yeah, that sounds fair.”

 

“Good,” Nursey says.

 

Dex nods and places his good hand over Nursey’s wrist.

 

“Can—can we kiss?” he asks. “I’d really like a kiss.”

 

Nursey smiles at him and Dex almost has to start crying again. He forgot how amazing it was when Nursey smiled at him.

 

“Yeah,” Nursey says. “We can kiss.”

 

Dex leans in and Nursey meets him halfway. It feels like coming home after a long day of work. It feels like pulling up a lobster trap and finding the motherload. It feels like watching fireworks on the Fourth of July. It feels like every comforting feeling Dex has ever felt before, rolled up into one.

 

They kiss for a little while, but Nursey is serious when he said he wants them to take it all slow. When their kiss starts to heat up, he pulls back. He doesn’t go far, they end up cuddling together on Dex’s bed. Dex rests his forehead on Nursey’s shoulder and Nursey slowly runs his hand up and down Dex’s shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dex whispers over and over again.

 

He’ll say it a million times if he has to, he just wants Nursey to know he knows he fucked up.

 

He doesn’t actually have to say it a million times. He says it when he feels like he’s starting to fuck up again, and sometimes when he thinks about how good Nursey is and how he really doesn’t deserve the second chance he’s been given.

 

It takes a while for them to get back into the rhythm of things, but eventually everything evens out. Dex deals with the shovel talk (again) from Chowder. He also gets shovel talks from Shitty, Ransom and Bitty, though they’re all less intense than he probably deserves. He thinks maybe Nursey talked to them and told them all to give Dex a break. He doesn’t really deserve one, but he’s grateful for it.

 

It’s nice, really. Dex knows now that he has someone on his side that he can go to when times get tough. When he doesn’t do well on an assignment or plays a bad game and starts to feel like he’s worthless. When he wakes up in the morning and everything feels heavy and dark. Dex has someone to hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay.

 

It doesn’t fix everything, but it makes it all easier.

 

Dex has been expecting his grades to not be as great as he wants them to. Dex was expecting the coaches to talk to him about how distracted and off his game he’s been lately. Dex has been expecting his advisor to call him in for a chat about his plans after graduation. Dex expects a lot of things in his life, but Dex hasn’t been expecting to get back to the Haus after class one day to find his mom sitting at the kitchen table talking to Chowder.

 

He thinks maybe his heart stops for a second when he sees her. They haven’t spoken since two summers ago, not since the day his father kicked him out and he drove away with all his things.

 

“What are you doing here?” he asks defensively, before he can stop himself.

 

“The campus wellness center called and said you had to get stitches,” she says calmly. “I wanted to check if you were okay.”

 

“You could have called,” Dex says.

 

“But then I couldn’t see for sure if you’re—”

 

“It was over a month ago,” he interrupts her. “The stitches came out two days ago. So I’ll ask again. What are you doing here?”

 

“Billy,” she says, giving him a soft look. “I miss my son.”

 

Dex looks at Chowder, whose eyes are so wide it’s obvious he isn’t sure what’s going on and what he should do.

 

“I’m not having this conversation here,” Dex says simply.

 

“Can we go to dinner?” she asks. “Your friend Chris said you had practice this morning so you have the evening free.”

 

Dex clenches his jaw. He doesn’t know what to do, he’s so torn. He wishes Nursey was here with him. Nursey would know what to say to make the situation better. But he isn’t out of class for another hour.

 

“I’m supposed to have a date tonight,” he lies. “With my boyfriend.”

 

Dex’s stomach twists at the way her face visibly twitches at the word boyfriend.

 

“He can come too,” she manages to say, though he can tell it’s hard for her to get the words out.

 

Dex clenches and unclenches his hand in his pocket a few times, thinking it over. Nursey will agree, probably. Which mean he’ll be there with Dex. He’ll be on Dex’s side. He promised he’ll always be on Dex’s side.

 

“Okay,” Dex says. “We’re going to Italo’s on the other side of campus at seven.”

 

She nods and opens her mouth to say something. She changes her mind, though, and shuts her mouth quickly.

 

“I’m going up to the reading room,” Dex says to Chowder.

 

Chowder nods and Dex turns sharply on his heels. He hears Chowder trying to make awkward chatter with his mom, though he also hears her saying she should leave. Chowder, thankfully, politely agrees with her. By the time Dex is stepping out into the reading room, his mother is already in her car and pulling away down the street.

 

Chowder doesn’t come talk to him. Dex isn’t sure if he was expecting a conversation or not, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to explain anything. At least not right now.

 

Dex hardly processes the next hour, he just sits with his back against the window and stares blankly at the trees across the street. The next thing he knows, Nursey is climbing out next to him with a cup of herbal tea and a blanket that he drapes across both of their legs.

 

“Chowder says we had a date tonight,” he says simply. “And that your mom is here and she’s joining us.”

 

Dex doesn’t say anything, but he nods his head in response.

 

“She just showed up unannounced?” Nursey asks.

 

Dex nods his head again and bites his lip. He really doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He can’t breathe when he thinks about what’s ahead of him for the night. He thinks maybe he might be possibly having a minor panic attack. Fortunately Nursey doesn’t press any farther. He just lets Dex sip his tea slowly and quietly.

 

Eventually, Dex realizes he has to get moving. He’s spent the entire late afternoon and early evening staring into space. He nudges Nursey towards the window and helps get their stuff back inside.

 

Dex is hyper-aware of Chowder in their shared bathroom with the doors open, going through his nightly skincare routine early. He knows Chowder will be able to hear their entire conversation. But honestly, he’s tired of keeping this from him. He’s tired of pretending like everything is fine around everyone but Nursey. He’s just so tired.

 

“She came to check on me,” he says once they’ve got everything inside and the window is closed.

 

“To check on you?” Nursey asks, his face scrunching up in confusion.

 

“I guess the school called to let them know I had to get stitches,” Dex says with a shrug.

 

“But that was a month ago,” Nursey protests.

 

Dex shrugs and lets out a sigh.

 

“What do you think she really wants?” Nursey asks.

 

“I don’t know,” Dex admits.

 

Nursey pulls him into a hug and Dex lets the tension he’s been holding in his shoulders drop. He sighs again and rests his forehead on Nursey’s shoulder.

 

“I’m scared,” he whispers.

 

“Why?” Nursey asks.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Nursey hums and presses a kiss to Dex’s temple.

 

“Well I’ll be there with you,” he promises. “I’ll have your back, no matter what.”

 

Nursey holds his hand the entire walk to Italo’s and squeezes it right before Dex opens the door for them. They’re early so his mom isn’t there yet and Dex isn’t sure if that makes him relieved or more anxious. They get a booth in the back, somewhat away from the rest of the restaurant, and Dex slides in first so Nursey is on the outside. He’s worried he might get up and walk out before she arrives if Nursey isn’t in his way. When the waitress comes by, Dex orders a Jack and coke—double. If he’s going to have dinner with his mother, he’s going to need some type of alcohol in his system.

 

Dex isn’t sure what he’s expecting from their dinner. He doesn’t know what he wants to get out of it. Does he want an apology? Does he want an explanation? Does he want to know how his family is doing? (He’s hid everyone on Facebook now, it’s become too painful to see.) Doe he want some kind of official closure? He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.

 

His mom arrives, as always, right on time. She hesitates when she sees Nursey sitting next to Dex, but smiles anyway as she slides into the booth across them.

 

“Billy,” she says. “I’m glad you decided to come.”

 

“Yeah,” Dex says. “This is my boyfriend, Derek.”

 

“Yes, your teammate,” she says. “It’s nice to meet you again, Derek.”

 

“Likewise,” Nursey says with an easy smile.

 

There’s a little bit of awkward silence while the waitress delivers Nursey and Dex’s drinks and Dex’s mom orders something for herself—a glass of wine, which surprises Dex. His mom almost never drinks in public, since his father doesn’t like when she does.

 

They make idle chat while they skim the menus, Dex’s mom asking for basics about Nursey’s family and then telling Dex a little bit about what his youngest sisters have been up to. After they order, she sighs and puts her hands on the table.

 

“Billy, there’s a lot I want to talk to you about,” she says carefully.

 

“Okay,” Dex says.

 

Nursey squeezes his knee under the table and Dex instantly relaxes just a bit. Having Nursey here makes a world of difference. He picks his glass up and takes a drink.

 

“First, I need to start by saying that I’m filing for divorce from your father.”

 

That really wasn’t what Dex was expecting to hear. He swallows wrong and starts to choke, coughing around his glass.

 

“What?” he asks through his coughs as Nursey carefully saves his drink and pats Dex on the back.

 

She picks up her own glass and takes a long sip of wine before clearing her throat. She looks him straight in the eye and her face softens just a bit.

 

“I’m getting a divorce from your father,” she says again, more confidently this time.

 

“Why?” he asks.

 

“Your father and I have never seen eye to eye on everything,” she says. “But the past year and a half, things have escalated.”

 

Dex thinks about the time frame. About a year and a half ago, he was kicked out of his house by his father.

 

“Does this have to do with me?” he asks softly.

 

Her eye contact breaks for a moment as she looks down at her hands for a moment before speaking.

 

“I believe in God’s unyielding love,” she says. “I believe he loves all his children, even those who live… alternative lifestyles from what’s normal.”

 

She pauses for a moment while the words sink into Dex’s brain.

 

“I love my children, too,” she continues. “All of my children.”

 

“But he doesn’t,” Dex finishes her thought.

 

“Your father wants to pretend like you never existed,” she admits. The words cut Dex deep, despite already knowing it’s true. “But I can’t continue to live my life like that. I love you, Billy. I always have. Even though I don’t understand your… sexuality, I still love you.”

 

Dex bites his lip and looks down at the table. He feels Nursey give his knee a supportive squeeze and he clenches his jaw.

 

“I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I want you to know that I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I’m sorry that it took me this long to see how wrong our actions were. I’m sorry that I never called. I’m sorry that I never checked to make sure you were okay.”

 

She’s got tears running down her face now and, despite everything that’s happened in the past, all Dex wants is to go over to her and wipe them away. So that’s exactly what he does. He gently pushes Nursey out of his way and slides into the other side of the booth, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She sobs into his chest and Dex can’t hold back tears of his own.

 

He holds her there for a little while, before she pulls away and wipes her eyes with her napkin.

 

“Look at me,” she laughs. “Crying like a baby in a public place.”

 

“It’s okay,” Dex says, accepting the napkin Nursey offers and wiping his own eyes.

 

“I don’t know how to do this, Billy,” she admits. “I don’t know how to do any of this. But I want my son back in my life. I want you back in my life.”

 

“I—I don’t think I can forgive you right away,” he says slowly. He looks over at Nursey, who gives him a supportive nod. “But I’d like to try fixing our relationship.”

 

His mother practically beams at him. She sobs again and wraps her arms around him as best as she can, considering the way they’re seated in the booth. They both take deep breaths and Dex gives her another hug.

 

“Thank you,” she whispers.

 

Their hugging gets interrupted by the appearance of their dinner so Dex returns to the other side of the table, though he sits on the outside this time. Conversation is easier from then on, Dex feels less like he’s going to throw up at any second.

 

His mom tells him about the rest of his family: Cara is living in Tennessee now, and she has a very serious boyfriend. Isabelle is now a freshman in high school, and she made the varsity volleyball team this year. She already has college scouts looking at her. Alyssa has started taking more art classes in school and is showing so much potential to be an amazing artist in the future. Isabelle and Alyssa ask about Dex all the time, they understand why he left but they miss him a lot. Apparently his father has forbid them from having any contact with him. They don’t have his phone number and they aren’t allowed to find him on any social media.

 

His father is a subject that his mother doesn’t seem to want to touch until Dex asks.

 

Dex has always known his father is an angry man. It’s where he got his own short temper from. He’s always known his father has limited patience for anything he considers “abnormal,” like homosexuality and strong women. It’s why, when he first hears that his mother is filing for divorce, he’s nervous for her safety. He apparently doesn’t have to be.

 

“He’s still such a nice man,” his mother explains. “To me, to your sisters, to the older folks at church. He’s a wonderful man.”

 

Dex bites the inside of his cheek and holds back the comment in his head about wonderful men not disowning their children over their sexuality.

 

They also talk about what Dex has been up to lately. He talks about his job at the bookstore and his classes. He tells her about living in New York with Nursey over the summer. He and Nursey both talk about the team, they tell her about their most recent win and how it seems like they’re getting even stronger as they approach the end of the season.

 

Dex even shares a little bit about how he and Nursey got together. He doesn’t get into their breakup, mainly because they’ve decided they’re past it by now. But he does tell her how happy he is with Nursey. He can tell his mother is torn between being happy that her son is in a good relationship and the internalized homophobia she’s been carrying around for the past fifty years. But the important thing to him is that she keeps an open mind and keeps her comments positive overall.

 

At the end of dinner, Dex beats his mother to the check, passing his credit card over to the waitress without skipping a beat. She tries to protest, but Dex doesn’t let her. He’s been putting in a lot of hours at the bookstore and has the money to treat both her and Nursey.

 

When they get outside the restaurant, she gives him a big hug and pulls him down to kiss his cheek, wiping tears from her eyes. She also gives Nursey a big hug, which surprises both him and Dex.

 

“I’d like to see you again soon,” she says. “And I know your sisters would love to see you as well.”

 

Dex agrees, though he doesn’t commit to anything specific. He thinks maybe it would be nice to have at least his mom at graduation, maybe even his sisters. But that’s still a few months away and he wants to be sure it’s definitely what he wants before he puts it out there.

 

The whole time, Nursey stands right beside him. He keeps his hand on Dex’s lower back and chimes in to help with conversation when Dex fumbles with his words. It’s more support than Dex ever could have imagined and he—he realizes on the walk back to the Haus that he really fucking loves Nursey.

 

As they’re getting ready for bed that night, Dex says those three words for the very first time to someone outside of his family.

 

“I love you,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

Nursey looks up at him in surprise from where he’s reading, already under the covers. The corner of his mouth turns up and he slowly puts his book down.

 

“I love you,” Dex says again, reaching out for Nursey’s hand. “It’s okay if you aren’t ready to say it back, but I promised I’d be honest about my feelings and I need you to know about this one.”

 

Nursey grabs Dex’s hand and gently guides him, so he’s sitting closer on the bed. He looks into Dex’s eyes and runs a hand down the side of Dex’s face.

 

“I love you, too,” he says.

 

Dex can’t hold back his smile and he leans in to press his lips to Nursey’s. He can’t believe this day was real. It’s been so emotional, so up and down that he feels like he’s been stuck in a blender on high. But damn, if it hasn’t been one of the best days in the end.

 

Dex feels a lot lighter the next morning. He kicks ass at practice and he gets a lot of good work done on a couple projects for different classes. The day after, he relearns an entire subject in one of his classes that he just wasn’t getting before and is actually able to understand it.

 

His days get progressively better and better from there. He still has bad moments, occasionally, but he feels like between the conversation with his mother and knowing that Nursey is completely on his side—and in love with him, a whole lot of weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He’s turning it around in his classes, he’s interacting more with the guys on the team, and most importantly he’s playing his ass off on the ice.

 

The team does so well that they end up clinching their conference regular season title in a school-record setting way. They breeze through conference championships and once they have that trophy, they set their sights on the one that matters the most—the one that’s eluded them as long as the program has existed.

 

The NCAA tournament feels way too easy. Dex isn’t sure if other teams have gotten this bad or if Samwell men’s hockey is just this good, but it feels like they’re playing every game on easy. They storm their way into the Frozen Four and, even though Boston University is the top-ranked team in the country and puts up a hell of a fight, manage to make their way into the final.

 

Dex knows he’ll be proud of how far they’ve come for the rest of his life. It’s the first time Samwell has ever made it to the NCAA final in men’s hockey. It’s the first time in program history they’ve ever upset a higher ranked team in the tournament. They’ve already written their names in the Samwell history books. Dex knows they have so much to be proud of, but he knows they’ve still got one more game to win. One more accomplishment to achieve. One more piece of Samwell history to write their names on.

 

The night before the final, Chowder comes into their hotel room and lays on their bed, Nursey on his right and Dex on his left.

 

“We’re gonna do this,” he says confidently.

 

“I hope so,” Nursey says.

 

“No.” Chowder shakes his head. “I know so. We’re gonna do this. Together.”

 

“Frogs for life?” Dex asks quietly.

 

“Frogs for life,” Chowder agrees.

 

“Even when you’re off being an NHL superstar and winning the Cup?” Nursey teases.

 

“You’ll be the first two people I invite to my Cup day,” Chowder says with a smile. “After my family, of course.”

 

“Chill,” Nursey says, and Dex smiles at him.

 

They sit there in silence for a moment, Dex trying to wrap his head around what they might possibly be able accomplish tomorrow. They’re really lucky the Falconers are the ones hosting the Frozen Four this year. He knows Jack and half the Falconers will be there for them as well as the multiple busses of students the volleyball team organized for them at Farmer’s demand.

 

Wait—

 

“We’re gonna be the first?” he asks suddenly, looking over at Chowder. “Before Farmer?”

 

Chowder blushes and looks away from Dex’s gaze.

 

“Well…” he says nervously. “I said after family.”

 

“And she’s going to be family?” Nursey asks with a smirk.

 

“What aren’t you telling us, Chow?” Dex asks, nudging Chowder in the side.

 

Chowder giggles and hides his face in Dex’s pillow. Dex looks over at Nursey, who’s got a surprised smile on his face.

 

“Hey,” Dex says, pulling his pillow away. “What aren’t you telling us?”

 

Chowder sighs and smiles a little to himself.

 

“Hold on,” he says.

 

He jumps up off the bed and disappears into the hallway. Dex hears his door across the hall slam and a few minutes later, Chowder returns with a little box in his hand.

 

“If we win tomorrow…”

 

Chowder trails off as he hands the box over to Nursey. Nursey opens it and reveals a beautiful diamond ring. It’s simple, yet elegant. Modest, yet impossible to miss. It fits Caitlin Farmer’s personality perfectly.

 

“Holy shit,” Nursey says, dumbfounded.

 

Dex closes his jaw, which has dropped open a little, and takes the box out of Nursey’s hands.

 

“We have to win tomorrow,” he declares.

 

They chat for a little, Dex and Nursey passing the ring back and forth and asking Chowder questions about how and when he wants to do it. Dex is excited for him, Chowder and Farmer are the perfect couple and if anyone deserves eternity, it’s them.

 

“We’ll help you out,” Dex promises. “We’ll win the game and then we’ll get you the girl.”

 

Chowder blushes and chuckles again.

 

“I hope so,” he says.

 

“We’ll do it,” Nursey promises.

 

Through the first two periods of the game, Dex is worried they’re not going to be able to do it. Penn State is tough, they’re not giving up anything and they’re attacking like a swarm of angry bees. Dex, Nursey, and the other defensemen have barely been able to keep them away from Chowder. They’ve managed to hold on, but something has to change.

 

“We can do this,” Nursey says at intermission once the coaches have left the locker room. “We’re the better team and we know it. We just have to start playing our own game and not theirs.”

 

“There’s only twenty minutes left,” Dex adds. “Give it your all for twenty minutes and let’s walk out of here national champions.”

 

Twenty minutes later, they’ve played so much better but the score hasn’t changed. It’s been a battle of the goaltenders, and the fact that there’s been no score in sixty minutes of play shows it.

 

“First goal wins,” Tango says seriously as they gather around the bench before overtime.

 

“Yep,” Whiskey agrees. “So we gotta strike first.”

 

“We can do this,” Nursey says, echoing his earlier words.

 

Dex feels like his heart is about to pound out of his chest. He’s never played a game with this much intensity before. He’s never had this much pressure to play the best of his ability. This is the end of the road for his career, he really doesn’t want to fail now.

 

He can see the same feelings written all over Nursey’s face, and he can feel the intensity rolling off the rest of his teammates. There’s no doubt in Dex’s mind, they all want this. He skates by Chowder’s crease before a face off, just to make sure he’s okay, and catches Jack’s eye in the stands behind him. Jack looks like he might throw up, but he gives Dex a supportive nod anyway. Dex takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. They can do this.

 

The game ends with one of the worst goals Dex has ever seen. Possibly one of the worst goals ever scored in the history of the sport of ice hockey. It’s a shot from the red line that takes a weird skip off the surface of the ice and changes direction on it’s own. It doesn’t matter how bad it is, though. It doesn’t matter that Penn State’s goalie should have had that from a mile away. Because Dex’s shot somehow goes into the net.

 

Tango is the first person to get to him, since he was just coming off the bench. Dex can’t see who reaches him next because Tango tackles him to the ice, but it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter.

 

Dex scored. Dex scored in overtime. Dex scored in overtime of the national championship game. They just won the national championship game.

 

He eventually gets pulled up off the ice by Chowder, who wraps his arms around him and squeezes him tight.

 

“You scored!” Chowder yells at him. “You fucking scored!”

 

“I fucking scored!” Dex yells back, the words processing in his brain.

 

“Babe!” Nursey yells, grabbing him from behind.

 

Dex turns and beams at Nursey. He thinks about kissing him, right then and there on the ice. He doesn’t, but damn does he want to.

 

“Nursey!” Dex yells. “I scored!”

 

“You did!” Nursey laughs.

 

Nursey pulls him in for a tight hug.

 

“I fucking love you,” he says just loud enough for the three of them to hear.

 

“I fucking love you, too,” Dex says back.

 

They have to break for more celebrations with their other teammates, Chowder receives the Frozen Four most outstanding player award and then Nursey gets presented with the NCAA trophy. He calls the rest of the team up to celebrate with him and as they’re all surrounding him, passing the trophy around, Dex feels like this has to be the greatest moment of his life so far.

 

Eventually the officials heard them off the ice and into the locker room. They strip to their underclothes and someone busts out the post-win playlist. The coaches turn a blind eye when a bottle of champagne appears mysteriously from somewhere near Tango’s locker and it gets passed around to each member of the team.

 

The bottle is half way around the room when the door bursts open and some of the Falconers come rushing in, led by none other than Alexei Mashkov. Mashkov heads straight for Dex, wrapping him up in a big hug and yelling in his ear.

 

The party continues from there, as more friends, family, and fans find their way to the locker room and surrounding areas. Dex hugs more people than he thinks he’s ever met before in his entire life and receives so many pats on the back he thinks he might have a hand-shaped bruise on his shoulder in the morning. It doesn’t matter, though. He’s riding high and nothing can bring him down. Absolutely nothing.

 

Nursey grabs him away from Jack, who might be slightly drunk and can’t seem to stop gushing about his goal, to drag him back out to the ice. They join Chowder and Farmer, who are taking selfies with the trophy. Nursey slyly flashes the ring box to Dex, who promptly steals both the trophy and Farmer’s phone from them.

 

Chowder gives them both a wild look as Nursey passes him the box, but after nods of encouragement from both of them, he grabs Farmer’s hand and takes a couple steps out onto the ice. Dex sees Nursey start to record a video on his own phone, so Dex starts snapping photos with Farmer’s as Chowder leans in to kiss her. He then drops down on one knee and Dex isn’t sure if he gets any good photos because his eyes are starting to cloud up with tears.

 

Farmer says yes. Of course she says yes. Their moment has been noticed by a whole group of their teammates and supporters, and cheers erupt around them as soon as Chowder has the ring on Farmer’s finger and she’s pulling him up off the ice to kiss him.

 

The next few hours are a blur. They’ve got some media to talk to, Dex and Chowder especially, and eventually the team gets kicked out of the arena and sent back to their hotel. They get dinner at some point, though Dex can’t quite remember what it was. Only that Tango wouldn’t let go of the trophy long enough to eat with two hands. Dex is aware of Ford taking photos and videos the entire night, he assumes for the team’s Snapchat story. He’ll have to remember to watch it tomorrow.

 

Dex doesn’t know how, but the majority of the team ends up in his and Nursey’s hotel room that night. They all cuddle up on the two beds, the trophy on the nightstand between them. He’s got Chowder on one side of him and Nursey on the other and Dex has been waiting for hours to press his lips to Nursey’s. He pays no mind to the crowd around them and goes for it, ignoring the hoots and hollers from the peanut gallery.

 

“Love you,” he whispers into Nursey’s ear after they’ve all stopped cheering and attention has moved on elsewhere.

 

“Love you too,” Nursey says, giving his side a squeeze.

 

The ride back to Samwell is rough in the morning, since none of them fall asleep until well after the sun starts to come up. They all get a little bit of sleep on the bus, though it doesn’t make that much of a difference.

 

They pull into Faber to a crowd. Their Samwell classmates and professors and administrators all surround the bus with signs congratulating them and roar as Nursey walks off the bus first, trophy held high over his head.

 

It’s an incredible feeling that Dex has a hard time putting into words. They fucking did it.

 

Unfortunately, winning a national championship over the weekend doesn’t excuse any of them from going to classes the following day. Not even the early ones, which Dex has started to hate himself for signing up for.

 

He gets a standing ovation in his first class of the morning, which is completely embarrassing and also thrilling at the same time. Dex knows he’s blushing to the point where he probably looks like a tomato, but it doesn’t even matter. He’s still feeling so high. They won.

 

Things die down in his classes after that first day and after an “epikegster to end all epikegsters” they eventually die down around the Haus as well. Dex has a collection of photos and videos saved in a folder on his laptop, including the clips of his goal from SportsCenter and SportsNet. He thinks he’ll probably hold on to those for the rest of his life.

 

The end of the semester comes up on them quick and suddenly they’re taking finals and Dex, Nursey and Chowder are getting ready to walk across the stage at graduation. Dex ends up inviting his mother and all three of his sisters to the ceremony. Cara doesn’t come, but the others do and he’s a lot more excited to have them there than he thought he would be a few months ago.

 

Kissing the ice at Faber is way more emotional than he expected. He isn’t sure if it’s because he’s actually doing it, kneeling at center ice with his two best friends or if it’s because they also have the NCAA Championship trophy with them, but all three of them definitely have to wipe away a couple tears. They stand there for a while, arms wrapped around each other with the trophy between them, and Dex can’t help but feel a little sad that this is all ending. They’ve had a good run, though. And they’ve all got better things on the horizon.

 

Chowder moves out first, packing all his stuff into the same truck as Farmer’s stuff headed west. They want to spend a little time with both of their families first before he has to report to New York for development camp for the Rangers.

 

Nursey and Dex take their time. They let Whiskey move some of his stuff into their room—though now it’s technically his. But he has to leave early to get home for a wedding, so they don’t feel rushed to move out. When they do finally get all their stuff packed up, into Dex’s truck and Nursey’s dad’s car, Dex is quick to get them on the road to New York. He worries if they spend too much time hanging out, he might end up getting emotional again.

 

The drive is long, as always, but he and Nursey spend the majority of the time reminiscing about the best and worst times of their college experience. Every kegster, game, class, and teammate they’ve had. They reminisce about Dex’s surprise appearance at Nursey’s home and their first kiss. They speculate on when Chowder and Farmer are going to set a date, and if Bitty and Jack will ever actually do the same.

 

Towards the end, they talk about what needs to happen before they move into their new apartment in a few months. Nursey received a job offer to write for a publication based in Philadelphia and Dex was able to find a job in the city as well, so the decision to move together was easy. They’ve found a quaint little apartment in South Philadelphia, just a few blocks away from the sports complex, and are set to move into their new place in late August. They’re both a little hesitant about being so far away from everyone they know, but they’re ready to make a life of their own.

 

The summer is something both of them need desperately, though neither of them will admit it. Dex gets his old job at the hipster coffee shop back and Nursey writes freelance articles for his old internship boss. For the most part, though, they spend the summer together. They spend the weekends either in bed together or doing something tourist-cheesy, like going to the Statue of Liberty. They even take a long weekend to visit Dex’s mom and help her and the girls settle into their new home after the divorce is finalized.

 

Dex also starts talking to a therapist in Philadelphia, per Nursey’s request. It’s only via Skype and they only chat a few times, but Dex thinks maybe he might feel comfortable talking to her more after they move there. She seems like she knows what she’s talking about, and he never gets the feeling like she’s judging him or anything. He actually thinks maybe she can be the one to help him get rid of some of the demons in his closet.

 

His dad? Well, that’s another story. Dex hasn’t talked to him in almost two years, but he’s been told that his dad is attending classes to help with his anger and alcohol problems. Dex knows their relationship will never be anything close to what it was, though he hopes maybe one day they can try to build a new one.

 

Life isn’t perfect—that’s something Dex has known since he was a little kid. But things are starting to look up. With Nursey by his side, Dex thinks he can accomplish anything. Who knows, maybe they’ll even beat Jack and Bitty down the aisle.


End file.
